Kids...

[Chris]

Need some advice please.

I have 4 kids. Ages 8, 3,2 and 10 months. My wife and I separated a year and a half ago (then finding out she was pregnant)

Generally the kids have been ok. Except the 8 year old. He turned 8 yesterday and we had a great day.

The issue is, he is pushing my ex wife to the limit. He is ignoring her, shouting at her and doing dangerous things (climbing up wardrobes to get things off the top, or sending the little ones up to get them instead!) He constantly lies about things saying he has no idea. He hid his school uniform and then claimed told his school that he only has 1 pair of trousers and he has lost them. Obviously the school spoke to my ex who was obviously upset as it's not the case.

He launches into tantrums at the smallest thing if he doesn't get his own way or is told off. He shouts and screams and makes a scene.

I was young once and can relate to a lot of this behaviour but it's getting worse and he's putting lives at risk doing stupid things like climbing wardrobes etc. We are not sure what to do with him...Has anyone got any advice? We both try..I've spoken to him and asked him what's wrong and so have a lot of others.

He was like this before we split up but maybe it has got worse as time has gone on. Also my ex may be overexagerating in the hope I'll go back but I've seen some of this behaviour so it can't all be untrue.

Just don't know what to do. This morning he apparently woke up at 5am shouting and when told to be quiet he turned round and said I'm just being 8 and there's nothing you can do!

[moley]

The school should have access to child psychologists that could talk to him to get to the root of the problem. Our eldest resented our second child because the attention moved away from her, so perhaps he feels he isn't getting enough attention and is making himself noticed by doing what he is doing.

[gadgetman]

At at start of similar myself and our middle one is acting up. Obviously because of what is going on and him not understanding or able to compute everything.

If it's just started, what's changed? Are there new people in either yours or ex's lives? If there is could be a protest at the replacement of the other parent?

[Chris]

It's been getting progressively worse from my understanding.

No one new in either of our lives....

The school sounds like a good shout.

[LHVRS]

Well he sounds smart as most kids are so he's pushing the limits as far as they can go. Your job is to out smart him :)

 

it also sounds like he's craving attention and losing respect for his Mum. Again this need reinforcing by yourself, he need to understand how important his mum is. I know its hard working as a team (you and your ex) but this will set a standard between you and your son will respect you for it. 

 

If I was in this position it would be a good talking to, discipline, like time out, no toys, games, computers and if he really pushes it a smacked bottom,  I always try to remember I was a kid and how I use to be so I'm never to hard on them but as a parent you have to be the bad guy sometime. 

 

hope this helps.

[RapidPaul]

Firstly, you have my sympathies. I have some experience of behavioural issues and the kind of services that are available through schools, local authorities and the health service through my 5yo son. He has atypical autism, and dealing with issues like these can be hugely frustrating.

The first question I would ask you is do these issues happen at school as well, or just at home? If it is happening at school, make contact with his school's SENCo and ask them to bring in some professionals like the ed psychs, who may be able to assess him and offer support and advice.

If the issues are confined to his home life, make an appointment to see the GP and go from there. The GP should be able to make a referral to local children's mental health services.

I would also urge you to look at 123 Magic as an effective disciplinary technique. Try and get the DVD if you can as it cuts out a lot of the extraneous detail. It's really simple and effective and teaches you why neither smacking nor negotiating/trying to reason are going to work.

Feel free to PM me if you want a more detailed explanation of 123 Magic. I did the course not long ago so it's still fairly fresh in my memory :)

[Aspman]

Might just be the breakup getting to him now. When my wife died I spoke to the educational psychologist. He told me that it could be a 2yr or more before my son really understands what has happened, and that might be the point where problems begin. So speaking with the school psychologist is a good suggestion. Hopefuly you're still on decent terms with your ex so you can work together on the problem. tbh if he can play you off one another you're in for a tough time.