Faster i tells ye faster

[Greezy56]

 

Recently i was owned by an Audi 5 TDI s line Quattro. I should have let him go but no, i had to attempt to beat him in a straight line road late at night. I had a feeling he had the same 190 TDi as i had and he did.

So why did he DESTROY me?

My Mrs was of no help in my whimpering state as she was in the car at the time. She found it to be hilarious  and commented on my balls shrinking and returning to the cavity inside the body and the shame that i should feel ( cow). She had no understanding of 400 newton meters of torque involved in this disgrace or the fact i was in pure "SPORT". To her i was a part time Morris dancer with a severe liking for model trains.

 

I wasn't the man she married. Common tale these days

 

Was it Quattro, was it a beefed up example, was the driver anorexic and weighed in at 5 stone , did he have a nitrous system , a ****ing letter from jesus!!!!

I haven't slept well in a week and keep flashing back to the 2 fingers thrust from the window and the hazard lights blinding my peepers. I know i should be worrying about Brexit , the Russians, the Syrian conflict and the meteor that's about to destroy all mankind,, but ....

 

I don't know bout your dealings with Audi drivers. I  find the ones i meet to be arrogant and demeaning to the brand of Schkoda.

 

 

So experts , what low cost additions could i add to my conquered beast? Just to get a rise out of these pretenders

 

 

 

  

[IJWS15]

Rise above it, relax with the knowledge that he is stupid enough to pay through the nose for a badge.  After all the A5 is tiny inside and boot too small to take the bags for a dirty weekend away (son has had 2 - A5s sportbacks that is).

 

Having 4wd would give him better acceleration, especially if it was damp/wet.

 

if you want to race Audis you need a 280, and even that won't  be enough if you meet an S5.

 

I find offering to show them the Skoda badges on their car shuts them up - they are there along with the SEAT and VW badges on the shared components.

Edited 21 March, 2018 by IJWS15

[Mickey43]

Next time, flash all 10 colours of your ambient lights at him and watch him become green with envy.

[Robbydazzler]

I have little sympathy. Why are you racing in a diesel. Petrols forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Edited 21 March, 2018 by Robbydazzler

[Mickey43]

Reminds me of the time years ago when I took on a boy racer in a souped up Corsa.

 

I had a loan of my boss's Saab 95 Aero which on the outside looked like a sedate family saloon.  But he'd had it chipped up to daft bhp levels and this thing was like the proverbial off a shovel.

 

The Corsa revved with all its might, got away to a good start from the lights but as soon as I touched the accelerator the Swedish beast took off like a rat up a drainpipe.  The boy racer was left behind in a fog of confusion and disappointment.

 

That was years ago though - my current sedate Superb is not designed for such activities.

[edwards]

Just remember that if he has an Audi, he almost certainly has a tiny winkie.

 

4x4 probably helped him.

 

You need to forget all this diseasel crap and get yourself a 280 and maybe a little light remapping...

[penguin17]

Should have just thrown your umbrella's at him.  

[Nick_H]

Or a can of Red Bull ;-)

[Rooted]

Basically you had no idea what power he had as these guys are very good.

http://ecotune-scotland.co.uk 

 

As for racing an A5, Q5's, or other Audi in Strathclyde and area,or the Central Belt, Aberdeen or anyplace just remember that can mean you stop at traffic lights and end up dead in a hail of gun fire.

Edited 21 March, 2018 by AwaoffSki

[Q102]

I would imagine the Audi had a healthy amount of horses more than your skoda. Audi generally have the higher spec engines.

 

I remember when I was test driving a Volvo XC60 D5 (awd and 215bhp), some youth in a modified Corsa pulled up next to me all revvy engine etc.

Left him for dust

[Greezy56]

Good news viewers. I purchased a max power transfer for my back window and 2 led under lights for under the car. LED Purple. She looks a total Bobbydazzler she does ( must be said in a north west English accent)

 

Almost immediately i could feel extra torque and brute force from the engine. The engine rocked on its mounts.

It seems that the rear sticker was summoning power from some Czech ancient god called Vladimir the ****** or defiler. Seemingly quite a popular job was defiling in the medieval times.

 

With this new found power , i trawled the streets of Glasgow looking for ( not prozzies, where the F have they all gone) victims i could destroy with my lightning right foot and my coiled cobra attitude.  I magined my common rail diesel engine to be a fire breathing V8 from a long gone muscle car.

 

My first kill : Tradeston area , conditions damp with an ambient temp of 5 degrees. Dacia Duster full spec ( includes radio and seats, heater optional). I revved , looked at my prey , lit a tab and floored it.

It was a close call but victory was mine. 2 fingers to the Dacia driver.

 

Next , i decided to lighten the car as i knew this would help the torque foot pounds vs the weight of the car. I emptied the side door bins of fag packets , coke bottles and 2 pens.

My superb sprung further legs with its now lightened chassis. A true motoring gazelle with MAX POWER emblazoned on the window 

 

Last victim Great Western road: Senior citizen in an Austin Allegro with a remap. ****ed her right up i did , she prob died as a result, which is good for the taxpayers here

 

All this performance for around 10 sheets of British currency .

 

Tomorrow. I'm adding Reddex , said i get an extra 20 hp from the liquid. 

[Alan_P]

You write for The Digger?

…remember to polish the wing mirrors. Guaranteed +3bhp

[Titanium_Man]

I can’t decide if this thread is a pish take or not 

 

Love the comment about chucking the umbrella at ‘em 

[Dazkim]

Keep the reply’s coming . Puts a smile to my face on a  cold damp Thursday morning . Lololk

Edited 22 March, 2018 by Dazkim

[edwards]

You need a 1990's 'no fat birds' sticker, a rusty exhaust full of holes and a rear spoiler made from meccano, hope and the tears of Enzo Ferrari. At least round here that is what the 'real men' did to their Clio 1.2rt's when i was a teenager...

 

In other news, yesterday night I beat an MX5 with lots of stickers on it and a giant exhaust. He stopped to put some 'product' in his hair and I knew I had him

 

 

[Rooted]

Greezy56, 

take your cruising mobile out Bishopton way and have a bit of a drive about for a while and see if any excitement comes your way.

[P6bJOHN]

Greezy56, a instant 75 bhp increase comes with the application of a Briskoda sticker, what ya doing man, get one purchased immediately. Imagine the street cred and fear caused when potential racers see its bright green message. 

[BriskodaJeff]

I'm surprised no-one has given him the right answer. Just print a BMW badge and sticky tape it to the centre of the steering wheel. Instant 25% increase in bhp, 0-60 is reduced by minimum 1 second and sexual attractiveness doubles. The only downside is that it automatically  disables the indicators...

[Mickey43]

Fife is the place to go to meet boy racers.   And ageing Subaru drivers who still think they are 21.

[Whenwillilearn]

Is this real?

 

Maybe just dont 'race'. Diesel older persons car vs diesel bland mobile hardly constitutes motorsport anywhere...

 

Just be sure to remind yourself the 'audi driver' is doing better in life than yourself. 

 

Good banter though.

[Whaty]

This has nothing to do with Audi's or Skoda's but it might give one or two of the older members of this forum a smile....

 

I once had a Vauxhall Viva, its previous owner worked in the bodyshop of a Vauxhall garage and from the outside it looked like a Magnum (is anyone on here old enough to remember them?). Wide wheels, slightly flared arches, front spoiler, spots, grill, the lot... Unfortunately, under the bonnet was a standard, gutless, Vauxhall Viva engine.... and not a good example at that. A 50 mile drive to Blackpool to 'cruise' the prom involved carrying at least 1 gallon of oil (never had to do an oil change, just stuck a new filter on every now and again) AND a gallon of water.

 

It also had a 4 speed Bedford Beagle gearbox out of a van.

 

Top speed, if I felt brave enough, 65.... maybe 70mph depending on which way the wind was blowing.

 

Problem was, every boy racer, at every set of traffic lights, wanted a race.... very embarrassing

 

However, I still have very fond memories of that car.........

 

Terry

[Greezy56]

thx Whaty

Edited 22 March, 2018 by Greezy56
wrong