Fabia MK1 VRS location of central system

Hi, I am looking for a cool way to spice up my old MK1 VRS a bit. One way I thought of doing this was to wire in a speaker and a circuit which would trigger a soundboard to play a sound. In detail I want to find the wires which the remote fob activates and then use that electric pulse to act like a switch to the soundboard. Let's say I pop the trunk from the remote and it plays soundA, I lock the car it plays soundB, I unlock the car it plays soundC, the car alarm goes off it plays soundD over and over. The expensive way to do this would be to invest in a Clifford/Viper alarm system which comes with a PA system and is directly connected to the car's outputs and inputs in a way I am not aware off, but this is just an idea I had when watching youtube videos of people programming their car to make funny noises.

This project is in no way supposed to be taken seriously as this is just for fun and to see if it is doable but I might attempt it if I get a reply from one of you fellow Skoda owners that makes sense. 

The real questions I am asking are:

Where is the control unit/computer that connects to the fob located/is there a different way to access the cables separately and not at the source?

What would be needed other than a soundboard, cabling obviously, expertise with a soldering iron and speaker?

How do I disconnect the car battery without the car moaning for 10 minutes

Is there a possibility to connect the horn to the alarm to make it more annoying 

Please don't question my humanity (evil laugh intensifies)

Any help will be very appreciated 

Edited 12 March, 20188 yr by DavidPodraza_VRS