ianstu

Guinness Book of Records 2007 (Female Version) Car Parking The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts. Film Confusion The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, him in the glasses?" revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins48 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film?" Incorrect Driving The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

I hope this is not old YouTube - Asda Prank Call Ian:rofl:

Ok how many can you spot in this little bit of clever Kiwi advertising. YouTube - Fresh TV - Metaphors

for all Sinatra fans. Frank Sinatra Parody: Strangers on my flight Hope you enjoyed it. Ian

done it ages a go. bally good cause what.

The muslim terrorists being cared for at glasgow royal infirmary are complaining that all they are getting fed is haggis, neeps & tatties. what the f~~k do they expect, its a BURNS unit. and on the subject of Robert Burns here's his latest 'Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots Oor Johnny walked one day When he saw a sicht that troubled him Far more that he could say A fanatic muslim ******* Wiz doin what he'd planned And intae Glesca's departure hall A Cherokee he'd rammed. A big Glaswegian polis Came forward tae assist He thocht "a wumman driver" Or at least someone half-p#ssed But to his shock nae drunken Jock Emerged to grasp his hand But a flamin Arab loony Frae Al Qaeda's band The mad Islamist nut-case Had set hissel' on fire And swung oot at the polis GBH was his desire Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried And sallied tae the fray A left hook and a heid butt Required tae save the day. Now listen up Bin Laden Yir sort's nae wanted here For imported Asian radicals Us Scoatsman huv nae fear Oor hame grown Glesca Asians Will have nae bluidy truck So tak yer worldwide jihad An get yersel tae F***

If Glasgow had happened in a US airport If this had happened in a US airport, compared to Glasgow Eyewitness accounts. America:"Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, i just ran for my life. I thought i was gonna die, he got so close to me" Glasgow "Bawbag wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him" America:" I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought i was gonna die" Glasgow:" here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin' plane!" America:" there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we didn't know what was happening thought i was gonna die" Glasgow:"F*ck this fir a kerry oan, moan we ll get a pint in" America:" We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life" Glasgow:"a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws" America: there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought i was gonna die" Glasgow:" There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that" America:" I'm too traumatized even to speak, I thought i was gonna die" Glasgow "here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it" & finally, two quotes from an eye-witness......... John Smeaton (these are real) John just surpassed himself on the National ITV news. The interviewer asked "What message do you have for the bombers" - he replied "This is Glasgow we'll just set about you" John done an interview on cnn and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said "me and other folk were just tryin to get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him" ! ---------------------- Police have named the two bombers from Glasgow as Sinjed Maheed, and Sinjed Majeep ----------------------- Actual quote from one of the apprehenders. "He was going crazy, just lashing out at everyone and babbling pish in a foreign language the whole time. I've heard people say since that he was shouting 'Allah!' but I didn't hear that. It just sounded like a lot of crap to me. Then I kicked him with full force right in the balls but he didn't go down. He just kept on babbling his rubbish" - Cabbie Alex McIlveen relates the tale of how he accosted a terrorist.

The following advisory for British travellers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the Foreign Office, MI6, the Chamber of Commerce, and the National Health Service, the Centres for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for British travellers only. General Overview France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louver and Euro Disney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Curry. One continuing exasperation for British visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times. The People France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. British travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear Football Shirts and carry beer cans for easier mutual recognition. Safety In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting cricket scores and tabloid news papers, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London. History France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Chouteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport. Government The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current Foreign Office intelligence, the President now is someone named Sarkozy. Further information is not available at this time. Culture The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel. Cuisine Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Britons to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn. Economy France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese. Public Holidays France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12). Conclusion France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany. Good luck. Ian

Thank You everyone who signed the petition. Its not about war or politics its about doing whats right for people who are suffering. Ian

If you agree with this could you please sign this petition. Ive spent a lot of time with the army and lost good friends. A magnificent and poignant sculpture in Bronze, recently completed by James Napier, a gifted young British sculptor, reflects in its image the deplorable state of post Service support we give those Who have served our country in the Armed Forces in combat zones. It Is not widely appreciated that many of those who have no proper home and live rough on the streets are ex-servicemen who have been unable to cope when returning to civilian life after experiencing the horrors of action in the many theatres of war to which our Government has so willingly Committed them. Yet that very Same Government, and the department that should be responsible for their welfare, the MOD, have callously fallen short in responding to the needs of so many who have suffered grievously, both physically and mentally, in serving our nation in combat. Both have Indeed "abandoned" them. Hence, this sculpture has been titled "The Abandoned Soldier", and I think you'll agree it has a Haunting impact, an impact that says more than mere words! this has nothing to Do with whether you support any, all, or none of the actions to which our servicemen have been assigned - it is to recognise their fulfillment of their "DUTY", and the "DUTY" we all have in response to ensure that their physical and mental sacrifices are remembered and recognised, and that our ex-servicemen are properly and sympathetically looked after when they need our help. If you feel, as I do, that this is worthy of your support, I'd be Grateful if you'd subscribe to The petition by clicking on the following site and casting your vote to site the sculpture permanently on the "vacant" plinth in Trafalgar Square. Petition to: authorise and promote the erection of the James Napier sculpture, the Abandoned Soldier, permanently on the "vacant" plinth in Trafalgar Square. Thanks Ian

I have a Over weight Labrador retriever, and was buying a large bag of Pedigree Lite Dog Food at Tesco and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Duh!) On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Pedigree lite diet again. Although, I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I had lost 50 pounds in two weeks, before I woke up in an intensive care ward with tubes in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pant pockets with Pedigree Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now totally enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. No I told her, The diet was fine but I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he fell on the floor laughing. Ian

Dear Deirdre, Where do I begin.... I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Wales. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth in a remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with a sexually transmitted disease. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her so..... Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being French? Ian

Subject: New EU Directive We should all be aware of the following moves to harmonize the language: The European commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" (or preferably, "SI English"). In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. Ian

If your easily offended turn the sound down and don't listen. I'm gonna swing for posting this. courtesy of ARRSE Ian

Ive just checked it again. If I had the perfect BMI I would only gain a extra year. So lets crack open another tin.