Company policy

[Mike B]

Revised Early Release Policy

(All Employees over 45 years old)

As a result of the reduction of money for all departmental areas, we are forced to reduce the numbers of personnel we employ.

Under this new plan, older employees will be asked to leave on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent the core of our future plans.

A programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current financial year will be implemented immediately. This programme will be known as "Retire Aged People Early" (or RAPE).

Employees who are being RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek other employment outwith the Company. RAPEd employees can request a review of their current employment records before retirement takes place. This phase of the plan is called "Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers" (or SCREW).

All employees who have been RAPEd or SCREWed may file an appeal with Senior Management. This will be called "Study by Higher Authority Following Termination" (or SHAFT). Under the terms of the policy, an employee may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice but SHAFTed as many times as the Company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures he/she will be entitled to receive "Half Earnings for Retired Persons Early Severance" (or HERPES). As this is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has been given HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Company but may continue to be SHAFTed ad infinitum.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain with us that they will continue to receive the highest levels of training through our "Special High Intensity Training" (or ****). The Company takes pride in the amount of **** our employees receive. We believe we have given our staff more **** than any other company in the industry. If any employee considers that he/she does not receive enough **** on the job, they should notify their immediate supervisor who has been trained to ensure that employees receive all the **** they can take.

[tchapm]

I've receive lots of ongoing **** at work. All the time. Every working day is full of ****. My company can be especially proud of all the **** they deal out.

[radioone]

I've receive lots of ongoing **** at work. All the time. Every working day is full of ****. My company can be especially proud of all the **** they deal out.

Do you work for Asda too then???

Chris

[slider]

seems to be a version of this.......

EARLY RETIREMENT SCHEME FOR FARMERS.

Due to the current financial situation within the farming industry,

the Government has decided to place all farmers over the age of 60 on an

early retirement scheme. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire

Agricultural Personnel Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to join the SHAFT scheme

(Special Help After Farm Termination). Those who have been RAPED and

SHAFTED will then be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme for Retired

Early Workers).

Please note that you can only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED

as many times as the Government deem appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income

for Dependants) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Rural Personnel on Early

Severance).

Those farmers remaining in the industry will receive as much ****

(Special High Intensity Training) and CRAP (Caring Responsive Assistance

Program) as possible.

As you are aware, the Government has always prided itself on the

amount of **** and CRAP it gives to farmers.

Should you feel however, that you are not receiving enough ****, or

that you are not responding to all the CRAP, please bring this to the

attention of the minister as he has been specially trained to give you

all the **** and CRAP that you can handle.