superb tdi starter relay ,help

hi,got a 05 superb 1.9 tdi,drove fine till one night,dash and lights went off then on .got home and it wouldn't start in the morn.every dozen or so turns of the key,it would start.now nothing.took starter off and tested it,ok.checked earths,put neg lead from battery to block,nothing.not getting power to the back of the starter,read it will be relay 109,but i dont have a 109,ive got 445,393,167,456,267,381,53,370,202, can anyone help,