tishalouise

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ? The letter "D" !

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ? It's Christmas, Eve !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ? Black mail !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ? Stacks !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ? Because it soots him !

One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepard leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepard began tugging them to the other side. "Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? You wake up wet!

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!

What do reindeer have that no other animals have? Baby reindeer!

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers!

Where do you find reindeer? It depends on where you leave them!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark? Frostbite!

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? He had low ELF esteem!

Where do snowmen go to dance? Snowballs!

Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes!

why is 6 afraid of 7? -because 7 ate 9!!!!

What do pilots eat? Plane biscuits

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!"

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers: "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry." bit cheeky but made me lafff tho

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Why did the woman cross the road? I don't know, the real question is, why was she out of the kitchen? Tee Hee Hee

What is the biggest mouse in the world? Enormous BOOM BOOM

A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman: - Do you have any bananas? - No,I don't. - Do you have any bananas? - No,I have not got any bananas!!! - Do you have any bananas? - If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!! - Do you have any nails? - No,I don't. - Do you have any bananas?