Was it a RACE, was it a CHALLENGE or was it a DREAM?

[Lady Elanore]

This is the tale of my afternoon out today............

As I parked up my car I already felt apprehensive, it didn’t overly concern me as this is a pretty normal state of affairs for me at these events. Even striding across the car park and smelling the fresh rain cleansed tarmac failed to settle my unruly butterflies. I could see my chosen steed in the distance, silently waiting for me like a dog waits patiently for its’ master returning. I poured over her form, glistening from the recent purge, a myriad of twinkling reflections danced off her chrome work. Faultless! Not an ounce of waste on her lightweight frame, no single piece of her design was influenced by anything other than purpose, no design committee or artistic influence here, just a pure engineering exercise with one function in mind and I had that function seared into my psyche. I was indeed ready to rumble and as soon as we moved off I could tell she was singing my rumbling tune.

“On your marks”…………I moved into my starting position

“Set”……………………………I chose the initial attacking line in my head

“Grocery!”…………………At last I assaulted the fresh greens and organic section of Sainsbury’s finest.

I was in clear air, flashing past the fruit, grasping Gala apples and freshly caught nectarines still in their capture netting. No problems this was going to be easy, I turned through the first U bend at the end of the line, I felt my trolley slide a little wide but without a trace of roll, ‘Rolls!’ I thought, don’t forget to go round the bread section later. Rounding the prepackaged Flat leaf Parsley and Chives was effortless, although I thought I noticed the slightest of wheel wobbles, but I had had this happen before and felt I could easily accommodate this minor irritation. My mind immediately swung back to purpose, we were approaching the meat section. Corn-fed chicken, lean mince, unsmoked back bacon, I passed them all, but not without piling a few into my trolley. This was so painless……….

Then it happened! Not the expected head to head in my lane, but a sidling up to what was to become my Nemesis. I had stopped to refuel and take on Orange Juice fluids (with juicy bits) when I noticed I was boxed in, I glanced at the perpetrator and was met with a demure oriental looking lady smiling innocently back at me. Glancing through her trolley revealed my deepest fears……………she bought similar items to myself…….we had similar tastes in produce……………….this was going to be a painful afternoon. Many people who don’t take part in ‘Extreme Shopping’ will never have witnessed the phenomenon of the Bogey shopper, the person who is always at the counter you wish to visit, always parking their trolley in front of the Sauces and Oils shelves just as you arrive there. No matter what you do, this antagonist will be there, at your shoulder, shadowing your every selection, in unison with you until the final checkout and all the time managing to manoeuvre their trolley with all the grace of a Sherman tanks with a goldfish at the wheel.

It wasn’t over however, I knew my height advantage could be decisive in the Household goods section, many of the sought after items were on the top shelves and my arch-enemy would struggle to see the spoils let alone reach up to them. This might be when I put clear air between us and so my task would be a downhill coast thereafter. I laughed silently.

Damm! She has a man with her, he had been hiding in the magazines section, he is quite tall, there are now 2 of them, surely I was to be undone! Was my confidence to be the architect of my failure.

We approached the frozen foods section side by side, there was only this section and we would be racing down to the final checkout. I took the opportunity to glance sideways and mentally picked out a likely assistant to take my wares to, she seemed efficient and would probably help pack as well as open those dammed ‘sealed at both ends’ plastic bags. But my attention was needed elsewhere, the Fish Fingers were almost all gone, I dived through on the challenger’s inside and took the shortest line, my trolley bumping noisily over some spilt frozen peas, ‘the fish fingers’, that’s all I thought of, the fish fingers were to be mine!! But no, the frozen delights were not to be the decisive item, my adversary did not require these ice-covered pleasures, she had sights on the main prize, the empty check-out slot a few isles distant. There was nothing for it, I had to let rip. Swinging my trusty contrivance round the last of the cheap special offer lager, I quelled the understeer with a slight adjustment of my weight, the four wheel drift taking my almost alongside my foe, but she had her head down, the long crusty French loaves had been laid down to aid aerodynamics and she had mid-mounted her tinned Baked Beans…..damm the woman, I could never compete with that kind of weight distribution, my Baked potatoes where all up at one end, it looked hopeless. But my ‘never say die’ attitude was to come to my aid, struggling on, sliding round pensioners and bemused shop assistants, my antagonist took her eye off the (melon) ball, she failed to see the old chap with his crabbing cart, she looked up too late…………………..SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!! her bread was badly bent and she looked to be leaking egg, I knew this was my moment, I had seen ‘Days of Thunder’, I closed my eyes and not for the first time, pushed as hard as I could……………..

Slowly opening my eyes I could see a smiling face and hear the beeping of a bar code scanner, it was my goods! The assistant was putting them through, I had done it, made it against the very finest Britain has to offer. I didn’t care that my assistant packer put my bread in with the tins, for it was I, I who had come through first, I who had showed what spirit, skill and determination can achieve, it was I that had that last laugh….

Edited 10 August, 2008 by Lady Elanore
Spelin

[expostmanpat]

Bored Amanda?

[Dina]

Were you at the sherry:rolleyes: before you went shopping:rofl:

[Tank11]

Gripped from start to finish! Well written and scarily accurate:thumbup:

[Lady Elanore]

Me bored? Never:D.

For the record I don’t drink and trolley, I am dangerous enough as it is:O.

Perhaps there is a market for a racing trolley, one with spoilers and at the very least bumpers?

Oh and thank you Tank:thumbup:

[heresmo]

I normally just buy ring doughnuts (those aerodynamic, frisbee, wonky wheel replacement things, which naturally gets me to the checkout quite quickly. At which point, I naturally apologise to the cashier profusely and ask if it's OK if I run back to get something - like the rest of my week's shopping

I (and we all) could do worse than carry your post, Amanda, to avoid getting stuck behind someone who, well, you can guess the rest. Good post.

Regards

Mo

[Lady Elanore]

Thanks Mo, it dos raise the question of which food is the fastest in your trolley? Obviously a balanced diet and a few tins would have to be included a well as household goods. Is lean mince lighter and hence faster than full fat for instance?

[Royston]

And the Nobel prize for literature goes to.......

[Lady Elanore]

And the Nobel prize for literature goes to.......

Perhaps Winston Churchill didn’t start this way…….

[sms]

and after 9pm we be moving on to amanda's adult selection

[apd007]

And you claim you're not the biggest loony on Brisky!

Oh, and for the record, I think it was a drug enduced hallucination, brought on by the special team looking after your case.

Classic case here, first of all, delusions of grandeur (taking over the world) now we've moved on to paranoia.

[gadgetman]

and after 9pm we be moving on to amanda's adult selection

Why did she go shopping at Ann Summers today as well? :confused:

[Lady Elanore]

And you claim you're not the biggest loony on Brisky!

Oh, and for the record, I think it was a drug enduced hallucination, brought on by the special team looking after your case.

Classic case here, first of all, delusions of grandeur (taking over the world) now we've moved on to paranoia.

I think I had an episode brought on by being surrounded by a forest of yummy consumables. I have a fridge full to bursting so I definitely went shopping today. Having said that I have bought one or two weird items that I don’t know what I am supposed to do with. Must have seemed a good idea at the time, or perhaps it was in the heat of battle I lost my mind .........................just a little:O:D

[Lady Elanore]

Why did she go shopping at Ann Summers today as well? :confused:

I am too frightened to go shopping there

[apd007]

I think I had an episode brought on by being surrounded by a forest of yummy consumables. I have a fridge full to bursting so I definitely went shopping today. Having said that I have bought one or two weird items that I don’t know what I am supposed to do with. Must have seemed a good idea at the time, or perhaps it was in the heat of battle I lost my mind .........................just a little:O:D

Yep, that proves it, drug induced, you got the munchies!

[Mike B]

Put down the Mini Rolls and step away from the fridge, You'll thank me later!

[Lady Elanore]

Put down the Mini Rolls and step away from the fridge, You'll thank me later!

Just had a huge bowl of a stir fry chicken thingy I concoct. Time to thaw out the ice cream I think (good job I did a couple of hours cycling today)

[Lady Elanore]

Yep, that proves it, drug induced, you got the munchies!

:P:P

[heresmo]

And you claim you're not the biggest loony on Brisky!

Oh, and for the record, I think it was a drug enduced hallucination, brought on by the special team looking after your case.

Classic case here, first of all, delusions of grandeur (taking over the world) now we've moved on to paranoia.

Be afraid, be very afraid. Der dat der dat Mwahahaha

I must just check with our leader what you're meant to to afraid of though. Could you just hang on a moment while I check this out please?

Thinking of Eric Morecambe's hand rising up face = for now! or back down = :nervous: Is it OK if we let you know? Ta.

Mo

"Calling HQ Calling HQ"

[Mike B]

Time to thaw out the ice cream I think

The Official term is 'Temper the ice cream':P

Can i assume it's of a decent quality?

[Lady Elanore]

The Official term is 'Temper the ice cream':P

Can i assume it's of a decent quality?

Yes it has a foreign name and everything.

[Mike B]

Carte D'or doesn't count:rofl:

[Lady Elanore]

Good grief man, I thought you were waxing lyrical

CLILKYLICKY

[Mike B]

Oh dear lord, Please tell me i guessed wrong!

[Lady Elanore]

Oh dear lord, Please tell me i guessed wrong!

Nope it’s snot :P it is Euro ice cream sort of, but who cares when you have a sugar rush that has lasted over 8 hours..........weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee:)