Health & Safety And Equality Christmas

[cjb]

Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir; We will lend a coat of fur, We

will rock you, rock you, rock you, We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of

allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a

nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be

considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records

Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby

Jesus. Such persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all

times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before

rocking commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered

safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must

also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a

venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please

note: permission must be gained from landowners before entering their

fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we

would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be

considered noise pollution.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety

regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without

appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches,

stools and orthopaedic chairs must be made available. Shepherds have

also requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this

time of year, they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from

centrally heated observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining

his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have

been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of

UVA, UVB and Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him,

you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is

inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness

of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R

Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and

disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this

offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions -

including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this

investigation takes place.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road Got to keep on plodding

onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a

donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the

guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how

many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please

note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road,

Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of

any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being

labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr.

Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an

infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be

redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold'

etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the

potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A

suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause

in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would advise that the traversing kings do not rely on navigation by

stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of AA

Routefinder or GSP navigation, which will provide the quickest route and

advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines

from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of

Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the

three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the

camels hooves.

Away in a Manger

Away in a Manger

No Crib for a bed

Social Services will visit and may remove any child to a place of safety

pending further action against parents, or other persons, who may be

found to be guilty of neglect by not providing adequate bedding and

shelter for a child in their care. Criminal proceedings may be

instituted after a case study has been carried out and fully discussed

at a full meeting of the appropriate Social Services Committee.

[Babs]

Love it

[VWD]

Some ommissions -

Jingle Bells - don't forget that the sleigh MUST be fitted with safety harness,fixed to approved mounting points ,and checked ,and issued with a safety certificate ,from a Government approved testing station , yearly .

While Shepherds Watched - Approved welfare facilities ,meeting HSE requirements MUST be provided -namely ,toilets ,washing facilities and canteen facilities, with as necessary seperatefacilities depending on the needs of each religious group, and in the case of certain religious groups,protection provided against terrorist insurgents.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer - consideration of the effect of long term effects of nose shining on the health of foresaid reindeer ,and effect opn his eyesight must be taken into account ,and the provision of safety eyeware looked at .

Little Donkey - It is a well known fact that Donkeys can form bonds for a short period or for life .Consideration MUST be made as to the Donkey's social needs in terms of companionship.

As for the three Kings -it is not recommended by security forces that royal personages should travel abroad with large amounts of valuable goods .Accordingly ,royal protection forces will accompany the entourage whilst in the country .Additionally ,as aHSE measure ,the camels must wear a muzzle and to prevent disease from their droppings -such fouling MUST be picked up and the sire contaminated .

Away in a manger - after due consideration , if no action is taken becuse Social services are short staffed,and action is taken against the head of the relavent social services - she reserves the right to claim for wrongful dismissal

:wonder: :wonder: :wonder:

Edited 9 December, 2009 by VWD

[trundlenut]

Are a Car, Taxi and Scooter still considered acceptable alternative modes of transport for royal dignatories?

[chrisw880]

The HSE seem to enjoy taking the fun away from alot of things

[VWD]

The HSE seem to enjoy taking the fun away from alot of things

Don't know -they also seem to generate a lot of mirth over some of their actions .

[Lex Dysia]

Lol

[Babs]

The HSE seem to enjoy taking the fun away from alot of things

It's what they do best.

In the theatre there are a lot of things that are common practise that the HSE just have to turn a blind eye to!

[oilburninnut]

Don't know -they also seem to generate a lot of mirth over some of their actions .

i agree,some of the biggest laughs i've had lately have stemmed from the health and safety clowns at work.....pure comedy gold some of it

[VWD]

i agree,some of the biggest laughs i've had lately have stemmed from the health and safety clowns at work.....pure comedy gold some of it

Best laff I ever had was to bawl some HSE nuts out ,to save their skins from being taken out by a heavy metal gate in high winds-if it had hit -there'd have been minced HSE . . I really enjoyed it ,especally as they'd had a go at me -crime -no hard hat ,when only danger was from low flying pidgeon .(or some crap thrown out of an HSE car).

[richie]

Blooming 'Elf and safety ................................