A4 3.0TDi Quattro v 330D M Sport v 535D M Sport

[Lady Elanore]

So there I was driving from the North West to the North East, across Route 66 (A66) and in rain which would have sent Noah into a premature apoplectic shock. The wind was blasting from left to right and doing its damnedest to send us all to visit the wizard in Oz. Behind me was a demented 535D M Sport and behind him a wayward 330D M Sport. But as in all tales like this, I should do a flashback and start a little earlier

< Q Swooshy musak>

I had been following a colleague on this trip, me in my A4 3.0tdi Quattro and he in his M Sport 330D, both cars having similar performance in a straight line. As we pulled off the M6 and cut across the A685 he started to pick up the pace, nothing too dramatic at first, but enough to ‘feel me out’. Obviously I wasn’t going to let the VAG side down if I could help it and pressed the dynamic button on my Drive Select system and pushed my ever so delicate plate of meat a little nearer to the rather sparten, factory fitted mat. Visibility was atrocious, it being dark and very wet, meant the ultra bright Audi lights (Audis get flashed at an awful lot!) were doing their best to dazzle their lovely owner and the spray from vehicles travelling in the opposite direction giving me a sensation of what it would be like being Batman returning to his cave through the waterfall. The 330D slowed a tad as he too was struggling with vision, although in his case it was with the bicycle lights that double up as the BMWs standard headlight package (he should have got Xenons). I saw my moment and a bit of clear straight road and overtook him. Of course I was now showing him the way and he duly sat on my tail lights to take advantage of a free ride. And so we pressed on, the standing water becoming more and more of a hazard, at one point I though I heard the shipping forecast mention the road I was driving on, but I may have been mistaken.

My first encounter of standing water and a medium bend taught me I do actually have a grip that could squeeze blood from a stone and the Audi slid a little wide (still on my side of the road of course). The winter tyres fitted to my car do indeed help in deep water, even if in the dry they feel vaguer than the current Irish Government. The 330D following, noticed I had parted the Red Sea and attempted to get through before the sides closed in, at least that’s what I think he was trying to do. Alas, giant puddles and mythical bible stories don’t have a lot in common and he found out what is like to water ski in a box. Apparently it isn’t much fun, well I am paraphrasing as he didn’t put it in those exact words. I realised my Dynamic setting might not be helping and switched to the comfort one, so my suspension softened and the throttle mapping becomes a little softer too, unfortunately the steering which at best has about as much feel to it as the Jedwards singing Nessun Doma, only becomes so light you might as well be driving a Teflon covered wheelie bin on ice.. A quick fiddle with the Drive select and it firmed up a little (if only my body had a similar switch ). The conditions which were difficult to say the least, continued to deteriorate and slowly by slowly I noticed the dull glow of BMWs finest candle powered illuminators dropping back, not just dropping back, but pointing at unfeasible angles whilst travelling on a predominantly straight road. I think it was around this point when it dawned on me that I wasn’t really Michelle Moutons long lost sister, but rather Quattro and winter tyres do actual work pretty well in poor conditions.

Now this would normally be the end of the story, at least if it wasn’t true, but having shown a clean (and reasonably shapely) pair of heels to the 330D, I noticed another set of much brighter and unmistakably halo shaped headlights approaching in the distance. I picked up speed a little more and found I could hold the stalking 535D at a constant distance, but it was really as fast as I felt was safe and instead slowed a little and let the new BMW catch me. I slowed further, but the 535D refused to pass, he obviously thought following was easier and safer than leading and who could blame him. ‘Sod this’, I thought and tried to pull out a gap (he was awfully close), again I found that I could incrementally pull away from him, mainly because there was so much standing water in the bends that he probably lost sight of me whist his car was pointing at the sheep huddled together in the fields.

This brings me back to the beginning of all this and after the road cleared on the final few miles before the A1, I again slowed to get rid of the 535D and waited for my Colleague in the 330D to catch up. He eventually did about 10 miles later and continued to follow me for the next 50. I have to say that the 535D driver must have been pretty talented and possibly a bit of a loon, but he kept the car on the road and looked pretty relaxed when he eventually went past.

I learnt a few things from all this though.

• The Audi still isn’t as much fun to drive as my BMW was.
• Quattro and Winter tyres are truly a big step up in safety in adverse winter weather conditions
• My car is faster than a similar RWD car in heavy rain (of course I knew that already, but hadn’t actually tested the theory)
• More power isn’t guaranteed to make you faster
• If I was a more talented driver I could have left the two BMWs in my wake (literally)
• I still would love a 330D
• I am getting too old for spirited driving in all but nice sunny weather.

I would like to add I felt I was driving in a safe manner during this as I certainly didn’t stray across the road or slide the car except when it was safe to do so.

Edited 3 February, 2011 by Lady Elanore

[Leeland]

Good stuff Lady E, and well written too, felt like I was right there at times

[Lady Elanore]

Good stuff Lady E, and well written too, felt like I was right there at times

I thang yoooow

But is it still wrong to hancker after a 330D?

[Leeland]

A5 3.0tdi Sportback, in white, you know it makes sense :p

[skinnyman]

Nicely written. Maybe when Clarkson finally hangs up his biro, you can take over his journalistic ramblings and keep the nation entertained. One thing though, do you tuck your tops into your jeans?

[Can]

Why not go to the V8 tdi audi?

[Lady Elanore]

A5 3.0tdi Sportback, in white, you know it makes sense

I love the Sportback but can't afford it :(

Nicely written. Maybe when Clarkson finally hangs up his biro, you can take over his journalistic ramblings and keep the nation entertained. One thing though, do you tuck your tops into your jeans?

I wear my tops both ways. But I reckon I look better in a bikini than Clarkson does.......although at my age perhaps that isn't saying much

Why not go to the V8 tdi audi?

If you would like to lend me the money please

[The Ors]

So;

Pink = Gossip

&

Blue = Prose?

I reckon I look better in a bikini than Clarkson does.....

Pictures!!!

[Lady Elanore]

So;

Pink = Gossip

&

Blue = Prose?

Pictures!!!

I knew you (or somebody very like you) would say that I think those that have met me would pay good money for me to keep the bikini pictures under wraps

A for the colour choice, I think I use other colours to pink as everyone whinges when I do a big post in it Mind you they might have a point

Or did you mean Clonkson in a bikini?

Edited 23 January, 2011 by Lady Elanore

[The Ors]

I knew you (or somebody very like you) would say that I think those that have met me would pay good money for me to keep the bikini pictures under wraps

A for the colour choice, I think I use other colours to pink as everyone whinges when I do a big post in it Mind you they might have a point

Or did you mean Clonkson in a bikini?

(Unfortunately/worryingly)... I am now wondering...

If Jeremy Clarkson wore a bikini; what kind of bikini would he choose? :S

[Lady Elanore]

(Unfortunately/worryingly)... I am now wondering...

If Jeremy Clarkson wore a bikini; what kind of bikini would he choose?

<adopt Clonkson voice mode>

"It would be......................like a ..............beanbag .................wearing .............................. two saddles....................."methinks

[Lady Elanore]

Wow! Chatting to the owner of the 330D, he tells me he has now had it remapped and the figures are.........................

........288bhp and ......wait for it........................495lb/ft!

Apperantly it was checked on a reputable set of rollers too. Thats a lot of numbers

[vRS Carl]

Nice little story there Amanda. Kept me entertained on a dull morning in work

The 330D's do map quite well.

The 535D on the other hand are a diff kettle of fish. My boss has a mapped 535D and foooook me is that thing quick and i mean REALLY quick. I have to work to shake him off in the twisties. In a straight line he can keep with me till circa 100mph and then it's probably only due to the fact i can redline at 6800rpm.

But i would have an Audi over the BMW. The interiors are just a nicer place to be. :yes:

Have you not though of mapping yours?

[Lady Elanore]

Nice little story there Amanda. Kept me entertained on a dull morning in work

The 330D's do map quite well.

The 535D on the other hand are a diff kettle of fish. My boss has a mapped 535D and foooook me is that thing quick and i mean REALLY quick. I have to work to shake him off in the twisties. In a straight line he can keep with me till circa 100mph and then it's probably only due to the fact i can redline at 6800rpm.

But i would have an Audi over the BMW. The interiors are just a nicer place to be.

Have you not though of mapping yours?

I daren't map mine as I am frightened of losing my warranty. There is far too much electronic trickery on the car to lose the peace of mind the warranty affords. The rear sports diff jobbie must be a mechanical nightmare to fix. Mind you, I have heard that some Audi dealers are quite friendly toward remapping, so I might investigate that, when I go for my first service in a month or two's time I quite like the sound of around 280 bhp :) And enough Torques to pull the skin of a really big rice pudding :)

[jlwah]

But is it still wrong to hancker after a 330D?

Definately not, I'd love a 330d Touring, but the prices get a bit silly once you've put a few ticks in the options boxes.

Magnificent engine though and economical with it, it's certainly one area where BMW lead VAG.

Your write up (nicely written BTW) confirms that "real world" performance often bears little resemblance to the quoted brochure figures.

[Lady Elanore]

Your write up (nicely written BTW) confirms that "real world" performance often bears little resemblance to the quoted brochure figures.

I reckon the young chap in the 330D was probably a faster driver than me, and his car was certainly an equal in a straight line. he also had brand new tyres too, so that wasn't a factor. For me, the quattro and winter tyres made the biggest difference. I would have loved to take the credit for being the reason that the A4 was quicker, but it would be a little fib really :( I am still mighty impressed by the 535D, even if he wasn't as quick in the wet either

[vRS Carl]

I daren't map mine as I am frightened of losing my warranty. There is far too much electronic trickery on the car to lose the peace of mind the warranty affords. The rear sports diff jobbie must be a mechanical nightmare to fix. Mind you, I have heard that some Audi dealers are quite friendly toward remapping, so I might investigate that, when I go for my first service in a month or two's time I quite like the sound of around 280 bhp :) And enough Torques to pull the skin of a really big rice pudding :)

It will only invalidate the warranty on the ECU & Turbo everything else will remain. I've had warranty work done on both my cars and my vRS is blatantly modified. My Slingshot is just a remap but the garage know about it. It's worth investigating as unless you thrash the nuts of it or get a **** map i'd be surprised if you broke anything.

Go on, you know you want to. Where's you sense of adventure

[Lady Elanore]

It will only invalidate the warranty on the ECU & Turbo everything else will remain. I've had warranty work done on both my cars and my vRS is blatantly modified. My Slingshot is just a remap but the garage know about it. It's worth investigating as unless you thrash the nuts of it or get a **** map i'd be surprised if you broke anything.

Go on, you know you want to. Where's you sense of adventure

I am so tempted, especially as the chap with the 330D wouldn't know I had done it I will look to see what is on offer and whether it will bugger up the ADS settings for the engine. But I have a service due in about 3 thousand miles and I would rather the mechanics didn't get a rude surprise if they test drove it

Yes you are right, I do want too :):)

[vRS Carl]

That's why you go with Shark or Bluefin as you can set it to Stock for services

[Lady Elanore]

That's why you go with Shark or Bluefin as you can set it to Stock for services

I know Awesome would probably be able to do something for me (they are in my neck of the woods). Might do a bit of research. But I will take a casual gander over to the Shark and Bluefin web site thingies and see what it's all about.

[Wardy]

What a nice short story - have you a book coming out?

Now you need to go find an E90 330d MSport, but with winter tyres on it - like you should have bought in the first place :p

Good to hear Audi's apparently vastly improved RS4 steering feel has made it down the range then

[Lady Elanore]

What a nice short story - have you a book coming out?

Now you need to go find an E90 330d MSport, but with winter tyres on it - like you should have bought in the first place

Good to hear Audi's apparently vastly improved RS4 steering feel has made it down the range then

Thank goodness the Brisky book critics are still about

Not sure if I can afford the new 330d when it comes out, might move to a Yeti next time methinks. I'm spending £4-5K annually on fuel at the moment! Madness :( I should look to getting my mortgage paid off really :(

[Lady Elanore]

What a nice short story - have you a book coming out?

Now you need to go find an E90 330d MSport, but with winter tyres on it - like you should have bought in the first place

Good to hear Audi's apparently vastly improved RS4 steering feel has made it down the range then

Further to the theoretical discusion we had about remapping the Audi engine, I found this on the Shark site (I suspect you have seen this already Steve)

Oh, the steering works well, just it also feels odd :(

[Shifty]

What an entertaining read!

Wonder how my aged MV6 would do?

[Lady Elanore]

What an entertaining read!

Wonder how my aged MV6 would do?

Thanks Dave

I suspect that would depend on the driver I had an older and much less sporty, version of your car as a loner when I was selling 'em. I seem to recall it was a bit of a handful in the wet (it was an auto )

Edited 25 January, 2011 by Lady Elanore