I'm out on vacation and my O2FL decides to crap itself. Suddenly a lot of my lights won't work. The whole right headlight is not functional besides the stationary lights, the fog light on that side doesn't work either, the right stationary tail light isn't working as well as the left rear signal.

 

The bulbs are okay, checked some fuses, fine as well, when I lock/unlock my car all the signal lights work but when I actually signal / turn on hazards, they don't work. I'm in the middle of the mountains with a toolbox and no services nearby, plus it's a sunday. Any thoughts?

Relays? The alarm system must bypass the relay for the turn signals to work/not work as you describe, and it can't be a fuse if they do work at all. Headlights I would have expected to be paired so you get both headlights off one relay, but maybe not.