Sunday Joke ...

[Robbo Cop]

A newly divorced man says to his mate down the pub ...

"Yeah, we came to an amicable 50/50 split on the house, she got the inside, I got the outside" ....

Rob

[AndyC]

After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H.... I, J, K."

She asks..... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.

She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.........

Andy

[Robbo Cop]

I hate it when someone tells a better joke.!

[Brijo]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

A psychiatrist on TV yesterday said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around our house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished. I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptuns, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now .

Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr psss.. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

:zzz:

[Departed]

Pete has been fishing, in a small boat on Loch Lomond, all day. Not a bite, not a touch, a complete blank. Once and for all deciding that he’d had enough, he begins to reel in for the last time when “bang” and he’s into a really good fish. After a couple of minutes, the fish breaks the surface, rearing right out on its tail. It had a very deep red colour to it and Pete is mystified.

After a thirty-minute fight, the fish is exhausted and ready for the net. As Pete heaves it up over the rear of the boat, the fish gives him a big wink and says “Don’t be frightened. I saw that you’d had a bad day and I thought that if I gave you some decent sport, you wouldn’t bang me on the head, but would put me gently back.” Amazed though he his, Pete agrees, saying “I’ve seen loads of fish, but never one your colour – I thought that you were a salmon, but you’re red.” The fish replies “I am indeed a salmon and because of my unusual pigment, everyone I know calls me Rusty. What’s your name?” Pete introduces himself, as he prepares to return the fish to the water.

“What are you doing tomorrow, Pete?” asks the fish. “Working, I’m afraid, why?” The fish says “Well, I’ve just about had it with this Loch – I’ve been up and down it, side to side, diagonally, every flippin’ way. I was wondering if you’d put me out to sea if you can find the time?” Pete replies “You’re in luck. I’m just moving offices and I’ve got one of those pink crates still in my car. I’ll nip and get that and fill it with water, then I’ll drive you to the coast on my way home, OK?” This is what happens, Pete releases the salmon into the sea and drives off home amazed, but quite pleased with himself for acting so humanely.

Years pass, Pete is promoted and moves to North Cornwall. He decides to try his hand at sea fishing and has a really miserable blank day. Reeling in to go home, he get a mighty take and “bang” – off goes a really good fish. A couple of minutes pass and the fish jumps – a reddish-coloured blur.

After another brilliant twenty minutes of fighting, the fish is ready to be landed, as it goes into the net it gives Pete a great big wink. “Rusty, is that you?!” cries Pete. “Pete!” replies the fish, “what are the chances, it’s been years – what have you been up to?” Pete gave a resume of the past ten years or so, then says “What about you, Rusty?”

“Well,” replied the fish, “after you released me, I popped across to the Caribbean and spent the summer with some dolphin friends. Then I went up the Eastern seaboard and had a look at New York harbour, but it was full of Coke cans and condoms, so I carried on North, intending to ride the Gulf Stream back here. I don’t know whether this ever happened to you while you were swimming, but I suddenly felt very hot and began to perspire, so I went a lot deeper and, much to my amazement, I came upon the wreck of the Titanic.” Pete was both impressed and amazed and sought further details. “Oh, it was great,” said the fish. “I swam through the great dining room and could imagine the waiters in their long pure white aprons, holding their silver trays aloft as they weaved between the beautifully-dressed diners. The gleaming linen tablecloths, the silverware, the floral table centres, the small orchestra playing quietly on a raised semi-circular dias, across the ballroom floor. I could imagine the vast chandeliers glinting and the romance of the whole occasion. I was there for such a long time, I wrote a poem about it. As a matter of fact, I was so drawn to the place, I kept going back and spent over a year there, in which I wrote a load more poems, enough for an anthology, in fact.”

“You ought to get that published,” said Pete. “I did have it published,” replied the fish, “I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it, it caused quite a stir when it came out.”

“I can’t think how I missed it,” replied PETE, “what was it called?”

The fish replied “Salmon Rusty’s Titanic Verses.”

Ray

[Brijo]

^ Argee - one of the best Shaggy Dogs I've heard read for a long time!

[Robbo Cop]

Right,

It's Rays round ... Make mine a large one.

[adamal]

Man in bed next to his wife says to her "every time I look at you, I think of the National Lottery!"

She replies "why is that, is it because I am worth a million pounds to you?"

"No" he says, "I just wish you would roll over ...."

[Robbo Cop]

... Here's a real inscription from a headstone in a graveyard just outside Dublin ..

"Remember man as you pass by,

as you are now so once was I,

as I am now so you shall be,

So be prepared to follow me"

(someone had written in chalk beneath it)

"To follow you I am content,

but I don't know which way you went" ..

I'm off for a bit of lunch now but I'll check in on the joke thread later ...

Cheers,

Rob

[Departed]

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since school. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and work boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that, after leaving school and graduating from Cambridge in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft apartment overlooking Hyde Park, where Susanna, their daughter, attends a nearby drama school. They have a second home in Paris.

Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Medical School and became a Consultant Gynecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading City investment banker. They live in a large house on the Thames and have a second home in the South of France.

Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben, a cabinetmaker. After 30 years he retired and they now run a bird park in Devon and grow their own vegetables. Ben, a typical cabinetmaker, can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erection.

Halfway through the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband isn't "Timothy," he's Tom, and he's a cashier at ASDA. They live in a small flat in Clapham and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, confesses that she and Clive are both nurses in St. Thomas’. They live in Dartford and holiday at a motel in Brittany.

Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

--o0O0o--

My father was one of the first ever Elvis impersonators. Shame, because there was no call for that in 1938. I think that you’d have loved my Dad. He had a plate in his head and if he sat with his back to the TV we got a lovely picture on Channel Five.

They did some experimental surgery on his spine, involving mercury. It was a success, but he was 7’3” in the summer.

He had a great work ethic. He was still staining floors when he was 75 – but he didn’t mean to.

When he got really ill, Mum smeared his back with lard, following an old wives’ tale but, as you can imagine, he went downhill very quickly after that.

Ray

[jinxgj]

Some child friendly jokes.....

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese!

What cheese should be used to hide a horse?

Mascarpone!

What cheese should be used to entice a bear into your home?

Camembert!

[Napier]

Is it still ok to post jokes on Monday?

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk...

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my knob, he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.

"The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't pee out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter!!

Edited 24 June, 2013 by Napier

[CFB]

A well to do chap has been out of work for ages and is getting desperate.

He's walking down the road one day and sees a sign outside a construction site for vacancies.

"I haven't got anything to lose" he says, and goes in.

"I'm looking for a job" he says to the foreman.

"Ain't got a job for the likes of you mate, yer too soft" says the foreman.

"I'm desperate, I'll do anything, I just need a job"

"Well I've only got jobs for labourers"

"I can do that, I just need a job"

"OK" says the foreman, "I'll give you a trial.

See that wheelbarrow, fill it with bricks, go up that plank, up the next one, across to the other side of the floor.

Unload the bricks and come back down. Load the barrow again and keep going until the end of the day."

"Thank you sir, thank you" says the toff.

Anyway, lunchtime comes and he goes to the foreman.

"Ow ya gettin' on" asks the foreman.

"Alright, but I think the wheelbarrow is broken."

"Why?" asks the foreman.

"We'll, the wheel keeps squeaking. It's going squeak...........squeak...........squeak..........squeak."

"I'm sorry" says the foreman, "I'm going to have to let you go"

"Why?" says the toff.

The foreman replies "the bloody wheelbarrow should be going squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak!"

[CFB]

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