ON HOLD!

[Delcac]

Apparently my position in the queue is 18. Have that caller 19!

[mdon]

Have you been answered yet?

[richie]

I'm number 19, how do think I feel!! lol

[alkip]

[RainbowFire]

Please continue to hold, your call is very important to us.

[Latte]

Your post may be recorded for training purposes.

[@Lee]

some boring muzak, while you hold

[Lazy Daisy]

If you can just bear with me while I retrieve your details.......

[@Lee]

you entered one, eight, seven, five, nine, six, four, zero, zero, one, is that correct?

[Lazy Daisy]

sorry, I didn't quite catch that, could you repeat it

sorry, I didn't quite catch that, could you repeat it

sorry, I didn't quite catch that, could you repeat it

sorry, I didn't quite catch that, could you repeat it

[stever750]

If you can just bear with me whilst I retrieve your sexuality, thank you.

[Spudhoolio]

I've been holding for so long it's turned purple !

[Evening Star]

[Delcac]

You've rung the wrong number, you've come through to long waits, try ringing...............ARHHHH!

Apparently my position in the queue is 26. In your face caller 27!

[Latte]

Press the ampersand key to be returned to the main menu at any time.

If you do not have one of these or do not know what it is, press percentage, colon, semi-colon, colon, bracket, comma, backslash, then close your eyes and think of a number.

Then speak clearly your bank sort code, account number and pin number for training purposes.

Meanwhile hold for some entertaining messages from our sponsor at the specially reduced rate of only 0.5 pence per millisecond. You must not hang up.

[MissPiggy]

All our advisors are busy at the moment. your call is very important to us. Please continue sitting and getting a numb ass.

[stever750]

All our advisors are busy at the moment but your call is important to us. Please continue to hold and a representative will be along shortly..but only after we have fleeced you for some more phone charges as we have hidden them sneakily in the great 0845, 0846 numbers conspiracy. God forbid you have rung us on one of those rare new fangled mobile phone things otherwise you really are in deep ****

[RainbowFire]

Hello, and thank you for calling the Mental Health Institute

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly

If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3 and 4.

If you suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, press 5 but do it v-e-r-y- s-l-o-w-l-y and carefully.

If you are dyslexic, press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8.

If you have schizophrenia, listen very carefully and a small voice will tell you the number to press.

If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press a number for you.

If you are depressed, don't bother to press any numbers. No one will be able to help you anyway.

If you are paranoid, you don't need to press anything. We know who you are, we know what you want, and we know how to reach you.

If you suffer from low self-esteem, please hang up because all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

[RainbowFire]

some boring muzak, while you hold

at 36:47......OMG!!!!

[@Lee]

at 36:47......OMG!!!!

the mother of all key changes

[Evening Star]

Personally I like this one...

[chrisw880]

Thank you for waiting. The call centre is currently closed, please try again between the hours 8am and 8pm.

Goodbye.