Clarkson Sunday Times review

[philsmith]

Calrkson has reviewed the S3 in the Sunday TImes, unfortunatly he was on a rant so it is not a proper review, basically just said it was boring and not much else.

Car reviewed was a 2.0L Diesel Estate.

Can't help wondering if it would have been a proper piece if he had been given a 2.0 TSI 280 to use!

[maffyou]

I really can't stand Clarkson. But in some fairness to him of course he'll think it's boring and a bit rubbish! He likes exciting, fast cars that cost more than several years of most people's salary. Getting Clarkson to review the modest 2.0 is a bit like asking Heston Blumenthal to review a Big Mac and fries: you know what the outcome will be before it's even happened.

Found the review online but you can only read the first couple of paragraphs without having a subscription. He hadn't even got onto the car by that point.

I did find this review of the 280 though, also from the Sunday Times but it may already have been posted somewhere before (sorry if it has) http://www.driving.co.uk/car-reviews/2016-skoda-superb-se-l-2-0-tsi-280ps-4x4-review/

EDIT: although any reviewer who lists the price as one of the 'Cons' because it's too cheap, probably tells you everything you need to know about them too!

Edited 16 May, 2016 by maffyou

[Nick_H]

I really can't stand Clarkson. But in some fairness to him of course he'll think it's boring and a bit rubbish! He likes exciting, fast cars that cost more than several years of most people's salary. Getting Clarkson to review the modest 2.0 is a bit like asking Heston Blumenthal to review a Big Mac and fries: you know what the outcome will be before it's even happened.

Found the review online but you can only read the first couple of paragraphs without having a subscription. He hadn't even got onto the car by that point.

I did find this review of the 280 though, also from the Sunday Times but it may already have been posted somewhere before (sorry if it has) http://www.driving.co.uk/car-reviews/2016-skoda-superb-se-l-2-0-tsi-280ps-4x4-review/

EDIT: although any reviewer who lists the price as one of the 'Cons' because it's too cheap, probably tells you everything you need to know about them too!

 

 

Ahhh... Yeah we've seen that one :-)

[maffyou]

Thought you probably would have.

[john999boy]

For the people who can't get past the paywall, here's the article:-

 

 

At school, after committing some trivial misdemeanour — hopping through the memorial garden or putting Polyfilla in all the classroom locks; I can’t remember what — I was made to write a thousand-word essay about the inside of a ping-pong ball.

 

It was tough, but the practice was useful later, on the Rotherham Advertiser, where I was regularly made to file a report on what had happened at the previous evening’s meeting of Brinsworth parish council. That meant coming up with six or seven paragraphs about absolutely nothing at all.

 

Today, though, I face my biggest challenge yet, because I must write a 1,200-word report on the Skoda Superb diesel estate, which has headlamps, a steering wheel and some seats — and that’s it. Except that isn’t it, because I still have a lot of space to fill.

 

This hasn’t happened before. Not once in more than 20 years of writing this column have I sat for quite such a long time, watching the cursor blinking impatiently as it waits for me to write something down. Four times the screen has gone to sleep. I’ve done much the same thing twice.

 

I was going to explain that a Skoda Superb is a cheap way of buying a Volkswagen Passat because that’s what it is, under the skin. But the truth is, you’re not going to be very interested in reading about a Volkswagen Passat either. It’s not a car that keeps anyone awake at night. And being told that there’s a cheap way of buying one is like being told there’s a cheap way of flying to Dortmund. Who cares?

 

I became so desperate for inspiration that I even turned to Skoda’s brochure, where I discovered you can buy a Superb with a system that downloads the car’s data to your iPad so you can analyse your day’s driving style over supper with the family.

 

“Hey, kids, I pulled 0.4g on the roundabout this afternoon and hit 3200rpm at one point.” Who’d want to do that? No Skoda driver I’ve ever met, that’s for sure.

 

I’ve met a lot of Skoda drivers over the years. They are called Geoff, and life hasn’t been kind to any of them. They all had reasonable jobs, as timber salesmen or line managers, but the company they worked for was driven out of business by Chinese competition, so they ended up at home all day, eating biscuits and slowly coming to realise that they neither liked nor fancied their wife any more. To get out, they bought Skoda Octavias and set themselves up as provincial minicab drivers. Which means they now spend their evenings mopping up sick, which is better than watching Downton Abbey with fat women who hate them.

 

What they really want, of course, is to give up the late-night runs full of drunken provincial agri-yobs and get some of the airport work, because then, instead of watching Downton with a fat woman or clearing up sick, they can stand around in arrivals at terminal 3 in an actual suit while waiting to pick up a businessman. And run the lucky ****** home.

 

And that, I guess, is where the Superb estate comes in, because it’s not only cheaper than a Passat but also bigger. Much bigger. Geoff could get three adults in the back easily and every single one of their belongings in the boot. Even if they were all compulsive hoarders. It is the biggest car you can buy for £20,000.

 

And never mind what it says on the steering wheel about it being a Skoda. It isn’t. It has a Volkswagen engine, a Volkswagen gearbox and Volkswagen electronics, and it was built by Volkswagen robots. It even has Volkswagen economy: the manufacturer claims it will average 67.3mpg. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

 

The only trouble is that while the Superb estate is a great minicab, Geoff is unwilling to take the plunge, because he knows that as soon as he does, Uber will open in his town and he’ll be back at home with his enormous wife, his place on the cab rank taken by a small man in an anorak and a Toyota Prius.

 

All of which means that no one is interested in the car I’m reviewing this morning. No one. Not even the minicabbers who bought its predecessor. And I still have 500 words to go.

But bear with me because I’ve been having a think recently about the star rating system that’s used in these reviews. The Skoda Superb estate is a five-star car. It’s nigh-on impossible to fault. It is beautifully made. It is equipped with everything you could reasonably expect. The 148 brake horsepower diesel engine is quiet and powerful. It is extremely good value for money. It’s really rather good-looking. It is spacious and — try not to laugh — it does nearly 70mpg. Oh, go on then. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

 

And yet it just isn’t a five-star car, is it, because it has the same amount of soul as a fridge freezer. It’s the sort of car that you’d buy by the foot.

 

“Hello. I’d like five-and-a-bit yards of car, please.”

 

“Certainly, Geoff. Let me show you the Superb.”

 

At no point when you are driving a Superb do you think, “Eugh.” But you never think, “Wow,” either. And that’s not good enough. If you spend thousands of pounds on a holiday, you want the view and the service to take your breath away. And it should be the same thing when you buy a car. It should dazzle you.

 

There should be a handful of small touches here and there that are absolutely brilliant, and I’m not talking about being able to download your drive home onto a tablet. I’m talking about styling touches and finishes and noises.

 

I drove for 200 miles up the M1 the other morning, and it was an endless procession of cars such as the Superb. Some were Hyundais. Some were Kias. Many were Vauxhalls and Fords. And they all suffered from the same problem. They were all average. And so, in the past, they’d have got three stars in a review such as this. Because 2½ is hard to illustrate.

Well, that’s going to stop. From now on, if a car is dull, no matter how competent it may be, it is not going to get more than two stars. Because unless the car companies start to let their creative juices flow, people will simply stop buying cars and go for something more convenient instead. Such as an Uber app or the number of their nearest minicab driver.

Which I guess is good news for Geoff. Cars such as the Superb are going to cause people to wonder why they bother with the hassle or the expense of car ownership when the car itself offers nothing in return. Which means there will be lots of business to go round.

 

So go ahead, Geoff. Buy the Superb. Because as a tool, which is what you want, after all, it’s impossible to better. And, thanks to the design philosophy that created it, there’s a lot of work coming your way very soon.

 

 

[Nick_H]

What a **** .....

 

Not you john999boy !

 

:-D

[maffyou]

What a **** .....

Not you john999boy !

:-D

Seconded! As I suspected, the summary is: the car's brilliant but it's not a Lambo so it's rubbish and boring. And he managed 1200 words barely talking about the car at all. The only bit worth reading is the 14th paragraph.

His editor needs to grow a pair and tell him to go and write a proper review, which actually talks about the car, or he's sacked.

Edited 16 May, 2016 by maffyou

[philpix]

I first came across Clarkson when he was a junior reporter on the Rotherham Advertiser. He was a total knob then and he hasn't improved.

[Nick_H]

I first came across Clarkson when he was a junior reporter on the Rotherham Advertiser. He was a total knob then and he hasn't improved.

Did you work at the advertiser Phil ?

[philpix]

Daily Mirror Nick

[sarkster]

His job's to get people's backs up. I wouldn't bite tbh.

[nthurrzzz]

A couple of paragraphs here and there he quite clearly couldn't fault it. Perhaps even begrudgingly likes it. And that's what has wound him up. Hence lots of padding about it not being a 600bhp sportscar

[Superb170]

A couple of paragraphs here and there he quite clearly couldn't fault it. Perhaps even begrudgingly likes it. And that's what has wound him up. Hence lots of padding about it not being a 600bhp sportscar

Totally agree.  If there was anything at all that was out of place mechanically or a quality issue etc he would have taken great pleasure in pointing it out but it couldn't so went on one of his usual rants to fill space......

[r08shaw]

Lets prove him wrong!

 

I created a poll:

 

Are you called Geoff?

http://goo.gl/mwIkZL

[philpix]

Clarkson like his mate AA Gill are paid six figure sums to write controversial crap by the ST.

[glosrich]

'5 and a bit yards of car' that is quite funny though.

Don't take it personally guys, he just writes like that to get a reaction.

No one takes his reviews seriously now anyway.

Edited 17 May, 2016 by glosrich

[Sagalout]

Mmm. Anyone who expects an obviously objective opinion of a car from Jezzer has misunderstood what he is paid for. Maybe the annoying thing for some is that he is usually right. The S3 150 is an everyday barge; agreed it is a good barge but barge it is. Ordinary people need something to get them from a to b as quietly and smoothly as possible and if it does loadza m.p.g so much the better. The S3 does all that in spades hence the 5 star comment.

 

We all know that Jezzer is only happy if he has the most expensive, most impractical car he can find to review. Mind you I think he is the best kind of extremist. Often funny and actually manages wit at times, a passionate petrol head and, perhaps annoyingly, can afford to be all of those things.

 

Paradoxically his view that my barge is 5 star but boring is more likely to make it attractive to many. 

 

I wonder how easy he finds getting his middle age backside into sports seats and how his ageing back copes with all those torques these days. If it's anything like his ability to fit his paunch into blue jeans  

 

Age gets to us all Jezzer 

 

yours

Skoda And Geoff Association Louts

[YetiVRS]

I thought it was funny  I haven't got a superb though so I might not be allowed to comment!

[Huskoda]

He's not overly negative about it, particularly the parts that actually matter. In fact its pretty positive.

 

What kind of epiphany of wondrous life altering joy are people expecting him to find in a diesel saloon car?

[thepook]

The article worked...

[nightrodspecial]

Hi All 

i like Clarkson i must admit i thought he was a bit harsh, but after a hard day at work i wanted a car to relax me on my way home and

the Superb does that great, with its comfort and great dsg gearbox being the 190 it goes quick when i want it to, but its not that

kind of car, if i wanted that i would of kept my mini cooper 2.0s i often felt more tired after driving that home!

[david 1220]

I first came across Clarkson when he was a junior reporter on the Rotherham Advertiser. He was a total knob then and he hasn't improved.

One thing to his credit -- he's consistent !

[dstev2000]

The best review by far is the one you do when you test drive the car for yourself. 

 

Besides, Clarkson has a perpetual hard-on for Fords. This isn't a Ford and will therefore never fare that well in a review 

 

Go off to YouTube land and watch a few of the reviews on there. I personally find these two reviews to be particularly informative and in-depth. 

 

 

[philpix]

Good reviews in fact I ordered mine after watching Jan "Mister Zee" on YouTube.

The other guy is obviously a vegan and knocks leather in all his reviews.

All vids have nothing but good to say about the S3.

[Vaim]

Good reviews in fact I ordered mine after watching Jan "Mister Zee" on YouTube.

The other guy is obviously a vegan and knocks leather in all his reviews.

All vids have nothing but good to say about the S3.

 

I don't think he's vegan, but he's opposed to the whole leather seats thing, because a lot of it is wasted and often the animals are not even killed for meat first, but just the leather.

That and the fact that leather has few real practical advantages - cold in the winter, sweaty in summer.

 

I personally am the last person that could be called a vegan, but i don't really disagree with him there.

 

He has some really good reviews and i watch a lot of his stuff.

Edited 17 May, 2016 by Vaim