Joke thread

[ang9444]

Don't know where this is going to go but would have thought someone would have started a joke thread by now?

Anyway feel free to join..

What's Ronaldo's favourite tea?

Penal-tea

[Toxicvrs]

Why do Skodas have heated rear windscreens?

Keep your hands warm when pushing it

[ang9444]

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn't reach.

[Hyphons]

My face. That is all

[Jonny5ive]

Two Parrots are stood on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

[kevvo]

Two goldfish in a tank. First Goldfish says to the other "Do you know how to drive this " ?

[ang9444]

It's Sunday and you're in a very busy Tesco car park and want to do your shopping, what do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man

[dazz600]

The dpf in my Monte Carlo was a joke,does that count?       

[YellowCar]

Penguin walks into the pub and asks the barman, 'has my Dad been in?'

Barman says, 'what does he look like?'

[YellowCar]

2 peanuts walking down the road, one was a-salted

[YellowCar]

2 cows standing in a field, one says, 'have you heard about this mad cow's disease?'

Other one says,'won't effect me, I'm a squirrel.'

[Sammycarp]

A man walks into a bar.

 

Ouch!

[Sammycarp]

2 men walk into a bar.

 

You'd think the 2nd would duck...

[AdamJonezy]

When Peter Pan punches, they neverland.

[AdamJonezy]

What did the brown sauce say to the red sauce in a race?

Ketchup!

[KBPhoto]

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It drive down the lane and turned into a field.

[MillsyVRS]

I really hate my surname, Potato.

Although not as much as my sister Jackie does.

[sdenny]

2 peanuts walking down the road, one was a-salted

 

Police looking for the perpetrator of an assault on a peanut have arrested a battery and a firework. They subsequently charged one and let the other one off

 

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It drive down the lane and turned into a field.

 

Did you hear about the farmer who was outstanding in his field?

[seboni121]

How do you catch a squirrel ?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut !

[seboni121]

What's the definition of pain ?

A fly sliding down a razor blade using its balls like brakes

[sdenny]

Why did the elephant paint his testicles red?

So he could hide in the cherry tree.

 

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

Monkeys picking cherries......

[KBPhoto]

You shouldn't have started on the elephant jokes....

 

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?

Here come the elephants!

 

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming wearing dark glasses?

Nothing. He didn't recognise them.

 

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming for the third time that day?

Swim for it.

 

How do you hide four elephants in a mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.

 

How do you get five elephants in a mini?

Two in the front, two in the back and one in the boot.

 

How do you know if there are elephants in your house?

There's a mini parked outside.

 

How do you get an elephant in the fridge?

Open door, insert elephant, close door.

 

How do you know if there have been elephants in your house?

There's footprints in the butter.

 

How do you get an elephant up a cherry tree?

Plant a cherry stone and tell the elephant to stay there until it grows.

 

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

Paint it's toe nails red.

 

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

Monkeys picking cherries.

 

Why is it dangerous to stand underneath a cherry tree?

In case a snooker table falls on your head...

 

If I remember anymore I shall add them later.

[KenONeill]

What do you do if you see a herd of mad elephants running towards you?

 

Run to a telephone box, dial "trunks", and ask them to reverse the charage.

[Hyphons]

Recently had a new fridge installed, got a call from the fitter today to ask if it's running, I asked him "running where?"

[sdenny]

A lot of stuff...

Now that's just silly.

 

And you repeated two of my jokes!!