How do you possibly prepare for losing a parent?

[Brimma]

Those who know me well know that my mum has not been well recently

She went through chemo and radiotherapy, which finsished just before Christmas, to treat a lump on her neck. The specialist at the time said the cancer was limited to that area, and was not showing anywhere else

She had a scan about 3 weeks ago, and no-one told us the results of it until another appointment with the specialist yesterday, who proceeded to tell us that it has now spread to her lungs, and that there is no further treatment they can offer

When my brother asked for a time estimate, the answer was weeks

We are absolutely devasted, and I'm not coping well

If anyone can offer any useful words of advice they would be very gratefully received

[a_Duncan]

Lost my mum suddenly in January this year, its hell, we were very close. Am still trying to get over it, just think of the good times and spend as much time as she has left with her as these will be precious to you in the future. I wish I had that opportunity, so much I wanted to say.

[grr666]

Sad to hear this Bryan,

You are in my thoughts as Me and my other half are coping with cancer in the family as well.

In our case it's terminal as well. We do have potentially a few years with the mother in law but

her health will almost certainly diminish quickly when the cancer takes a proper hold.

She has been to Nottingham for a few sessions of an experimental treatment with the

"What have I got to lose?" attitude and she has come to terms with the fact that it will kill her.

For me and her daughter it's very difficult which is the reason we moved away from London

to be near her ready for when she needs us. My advice is to try and take each day as it comes,

we have good and bad days with her Mum but we make sure we cherish all of them.

Try and spend as much time with her as you can and be there for her mate, at the end

of the day its all we can do. Most of all, as hard as it is try and enjoy each day as much as you

can and really important is to try and laugh together as much as you can too.

Save the tears for when she doesn't have to see them. Try and be happy and positive

as you can and try not to let her see you upset. This will make her feel worse.

All the best Bryan and good luck.

.

[prolfe]

Really sorry to hear that Bri.

Its unfortunately painful for all concerned. I have seen first hand what can happen. Time and talking are really the only things that will help you. Being a bloke, your likely to bottle things up, DONT, talk, talk to friends, talk to strangers, a doctor, just talk.

I hope its longer than they say, if it were me, I'd want to be with her constantly. Tell her all the things that I need to.

So sorry.

[gadgetman]

Really sorry to hear this.

My only advice would be make every moment count. Take lots of pics and videos and do something special she's always.wanted to do. Perhaps a trip on the orient express?

[Beancounter1980]

I'm very sorry to hear about this Brimma. I will pray for you..

Both my parents have been in very ill health over the past 10-15 years.

Father has severe kidney problems, type one diabetes, poor circulation and takes many many tablets. I have seen him go into Hypo's and its terrifying at times. He has nearly slipped into a coma three times.

Mother has sever rheumatoid arthritis and is partially disabled...

I am 30 years of age...and seeing both my parents ill health has had a dramatic impact on my pysche.

I would find it very very hard if i lost either of them. I truly envy people who have healthy parents when their children are still in their 40-50's.

Honestly Brimma? I don't know how to prepare myself either.....I dont think i would be able to bottle it up. I don't know if you are married, but i would seek some solace in the form of my wife.

She is my rock.

[Ecomatt]

I am sorry to hear that mate and my thoughts are with you and your family

In truth there are no words or advice that anyone can give that can make it better, as no one knows how we will react when that moment happens. All that can be done is just take each day as it comes and cherish every moment that is left. We all take life for granted and never really think about death until something like this happens. I see a lot of this in my profession from RTCs and sudden deaths etc. The only way through it that I see is from the love and support of your family and support of your friends. What I hold true and works for me is that people never die as they live on through us in our hearts and mind.

[swedishskoda]

Really sorry to hear this, my sympathies. I'm a lousy advisor - I lost my mother when I was 3 and I know that, among other effects, this made me constantly conscious of the fact that parents disappear. When my father died (I was 20 then) I thus felt a certain degree of detachment although not so it prevented me from mourning. But grr666's remarks seem more than appropriate:

My advice is to try and take each day as it comes,

we have good and bad days with her Mum but we make sure we cherish all of them.

Try and spend as much time with her as you can and be there for her mate, at the end

of the day its all we can do. Most of all, as hard as it is try and enjoy each day as much as you

can and really important is to try and laugh together as much as you can too.

Save the tears for when she doesn't have to see them. Try and be happy and positive

as you can and try not to let her see you upset. This will make her feel worse.

Take care.

[Llanigraham]

Bryan,

Sorry to hear this.

Can you prepare? I don't think you can thoroughly. You may be able to accept the inevitable is going to happen but when it does............

I lost my Dad through a heart attack that was not totally unexpected,and that hurt, but my Mum gave up living 18 months later and I can remember going to see her at Christmas with my teenage son and telling him he would never see his Gran again. I was right as she died a week later. To get that phone call was probably the hardest thing that had ever happened to me, and my Mum and I weren't terribly close.

Make every day count and let her set the pace.

Make memories of the good things, and ignore the bad.

If she wants to plan for things then let her.

Remember that friends and family exist to help.

Cry if you need to; it takes a man to do it!

And I don't know whether it applies to you, but let your God go with you.

[P6bJOHN]

There is no advice I can give, only my own personal events. My Father died just over year ago, and my Mother in law 5 weeks later, both in hospital after illness. Towards the end, for both of them, I realised that they were suffering, badly, and all the machines and equipment were prolonging this only for the benefit of us, the relatives. In their last days I just wanted peace for them both. This is not to say that I wasn't shattered by the loss, but also carrying a sense of relief on their behalf, both were fighters all the way through, but also realised that a time would come when it would end. In both cases the family had all recently visited before they slipped away, for this we were all grateful. the nurses were excellent. I still have really sad moments, especially when someone in the family does or builds something crazy, as The Old Man was always coming up with some mad scheme or invention in his workshop, it is also at this time I know his spirit lives on and I remember him that way. People say grief passes, it doesn't, it changes shape, and that you can have some effect on. As a family, support each other and your mother in the coming time, in that she will also see you as unit and be pleased that you all are something she created and without her would not exist. Think of all the good times, not the bad. The last thing my old man wanted was us being miserable around him, he wanted to see us as his legacy to the world, And don't be afraid to let it go when it hits you, and it will, I'm considered the emotionless strong one in the family and I went to pieces at one point during the funeral. No one batted an eyelid.

[Harry_vRS]

When I was 16 I lost my father due to a brain tumour. It isn't easy, but you learn to deal with it and over time, you will heal.

Make the most of your remaining time with her, tell her you love her, and do your best to see she is comfortable.

[pete8tch]

Not brill mate , there is no preparation at all ,my mum had another stroke yesterday , went to the hospital expecting the worse but she was much better than i thought , she has lewy boddy dementia and parkinsons and is not really my mum now , she gave me my sense of humour so its hard.

Just talk to her and remember the good times mate , give me a ring i'm good with this apparently or come over sunday and have a laugh and hurl abuse at Jenny

[Skodaboy1983]

Sorry to hear this Brimma mate.

As others have said just remember the good times with your mum.

Thinking of you at this time mate.

[sarahvrs]

Hi Brimma,

Really sad to hear this.

Not sure there's much I can add to the excellent advice from the other guys on here.

I guess all I would say is to make sure you gather round you the people that you can talk to and trust - and the people who will be there for you as long as you need it, not just in the short term.

Take time to say all those things that you may have always wanted to say - share your memories and if you can, plan in some special family days/activities.

There are loads of good poems/writings that might help - have access to loads with my work- will happily send you some , when and if they will be of use.

Feel free to PM me anytime if I can help in anyway.

Look after yourself

Sarah

[jlwah]

Not really much I can add to that which has already been stated.

But just to say that I lost my father to pancreatic cancer when I was 24, about 6 months after it was diagnosed, and there's no other way to say it, but it was really, REALLY tough! I was just getting past the "difficult" stage with my parents and we were starting to get on like normal people (I'd stopped acting like a complete tit!) and then the cancer was diagnosed and I felt like the bottom had dropped out of my life. I was engaged at the time and at one point we thought we'd bring forward the big day so that dad could be there, but his health deteriorated quite quickly so we had to abandon that idea.

As the final day approached he actually "perked up" and wanted to leave hospital and go home, which he duly did and died three days later. In some ways it was a relief to us all and in a strange way I think the family had done most of its grieving during his illness - the frustration, the anger, the sadness - such that we managed to get through the dark days that lead up to his funeral and moved on. The pain never totally goes away, but it subsides and a supportive family helps.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

[Robjon]

Hi Brimma,

Sorry to hear your news. I feel for you and I know what you are going through. I lost my own mother to the same illness five years ago. I can only echo everything already said here. Take care mate, my thoughts are with you.

[Captain Scarlet]

Hi Mr B.

Sorry to hear your news, I can offer no advice but having read others comments there appears to be very wise words in there.

Take care, will be thinking of you and your family.

[VRS Goldie Jon]

Sorry to hear this Brimma

You cant prepare for losing a parent at all.

My Dad is currently suffering with Motor Neurone Disease. Diagnosed since last Jan, and my whole family isn't coping at all. I'm 23 and very close to him. Try and think of the goods times mate. Just looking at pictures from our last family holiday and you realise how much he has changed.

He cant speak, cant eat (fed by a peg) he breaths through a tracheotomy. My Mum is his full time carer. We also have a time limit which we have been given and there was never a cure once he was diagnosed.

Think of the good times. Try and spend as much time as you can with her. The big thing is don't just bottle it up, talk with the rest of the family and friends. My friends are what are getting me through this.

Take care mate.

Jon

[uncle bulgaria]

Really sorry to hear this. You have my empathy as well as my depest sympathy. I lost my mother to breast cancer, which returned after being clear for 20 years. It was similar time scale. Like others have said, it's very hard when your family is close, and I don't think it's a case of preparing. You are grieving for the loss, the diffence is you haven't lost her just yet. When SWMBO lost her dad, it was totally unexpected and I think I found that even harder!

I know in my case, it made me re prioritise family over work & hobbies and I made sure that all the remaining time was in a positive vein, so that any memories of the last days were easier to look back on. Take the support that family and friends can offer and if you have access to any support from Macmillan team, talk to them too.

Just hold onto the good stuff, and look after yourself.

:(

[FellyMagic]

I had a feeling this was why we haven't seen you in the chatroom Bryan. Just spend as much time as you can with her, and make her last time as comfortable as you possibly can. And as Uncle Bulgaria says, contact Macmillan. They are a great bunch of people.

I've seen so many close friends & loved ones go to cancer over the last 5 years, and coping with the pain of the loss of them is hard. All you can do is be strong. I know its going to be hard, but when you need a friend to talk to, you know where I am.

Dina sends a huge hug to you too, and has been asking about you every night.

Our thoughts are with you buddy.

[shark_90]

Bryan

You know I'm a straight talking man and to put it bluntly, you can't prepare.

It's 13 years this year for me and I still haven't dealt with it all really.

If I can give you one single piece of advice, from a friend to a friend: do your own thing. Do what feels right for you. Grief is an immensely personal thing and what you feel and how you deal with things will be different to the rest of your family, and your siblings. So deal with things as you see fit as other people's methods might not work.

Lastly, you've got my number if you want to talk or meet up. I'll always make time.

[trundlenut]

Something similar happened to my grandad, he went to the doctors with a cough and was told he had weeks to live. I'm sorry to say he went downhill fast but he was in his 80s and somewhat frail to being with, we just tried to spend as much time with him as we could and he was in quote good spirits it seemed.

[JerryT]

Really sorry to hear that Bri.

Its unfortunately painful for all concerned. I have seen first hand what can happen. Time and talking are really the only things that will help you. Being a bloke, your likely to bottle things up, DONT, talk, talk to friends, talk to strangers, a doctor, just talk.

I hope its longer than they say, if it were me, I'd want to be with her constantly. Tell her all the things that I need to.

So sorry.

Brimma, i am sorry to hear you news and my thoughts are with you. These are tough times and Prolfe is right, i know, i have been there. Make the most of what you have left, they will be special days that you will remember and important to your mum.

Jerry

[B33fy]

Reading this thread there are some beautiful and moving words of support, kindness and care. It is naturaly a very emotional time for you, your family and your mother. I'm sure you'll gather solace and strenght from these messages and draw on your own resources at this difficult time, and you will do the right things for your mother, family and yourself.

Linda, James and my thought are with you ate this difficult time.

[BilboBaggins]

Brimma- my mother is in her mid 70s and smoked for over 60 years, as a result she has advanced COPD and has become gradually worse over the past couple of years. (30 years since my father died of lung cancer). As a health care professional I know how the disease will progress, and have to deal daily with a parent who is now blaming the medical profession for not making her "better" and every treatment option is either allegedly causing side effects, or she will not agree to it. She also keeps saying the if she isnt going to get better she wishes the docs would tell her. IN short they have and she isnt listening. Every week I travel the 50 miles to visit my mum, while my wife goes 50 miles the other way to support her housebound, diabetic, cripled and early dementia suffering mother.

Although I deal with patients on a regular basis I find I cant have the conversation that is needed with my mother. I keep waiting for the chest infection that will bring things to their inevitable outcome, and avoid having the deep conversations that I know I should have before it is too late. I also know I will never say the things I should and will regret it in the years to come.

Although your time with your mum is limited, say what you want/need to say, and do what you want/need to do

Finally well done for raising the topic- as you can see you are not alone and there is a shared psyche out there with others who are either going through similar or have experienced it.

As Dave Allan used to say- May your God go with you