Apologies for unburdening myself

[Aspman]

My wife died this morning at 6am. She was 38. We have a 5yr old son.

 

She took ill on Sunday night very severely and very quicky.

Before she lost conciousness she was very frightened, crying and in a great deal of pain. I have not told the family this and I can't tell anyone excepting anonymous online strangers. I tell them she lost consciousness within seconds. She didn't.

We didn't whisper 'goodbye' or "I love you" before she lost concsiousness. I was trying to do the stroke tests the operator was asking me to do, then I was trying to keep her airway open

 

The paramedics were unbeliveably fast, less than 10 minutes. The diagnosed a bleed on the brain immediately and that it was "bad". They were correct.

 

She lost consciousness before she left the house and never woke up. I couldn't go with her since I had to manage my son who was thankfully asleep and missed everything.

 

We got to ER some time later, my sone was collected by my parents and taken home with them. Very soon after a visibly shaken consultant informed us what we already knew, that her condition was unrecoverable. He didn't believe she woiuld last more than a few hours. She had arrested 3 times at that point.

 

She went to ICU to wait out the inevitable and we followed.

 

Myself and her immediate family spent the next 40hr living our lives to the rhythm of a medical ventilator.

 

I raise organ donation early on, which was possibly a mistake though an honest one. Less honest was my reply to "did she express a wish to be an organ donor". She didn't really, I've no recollection of her really expressing any opinion. However I do strongly belive in it, and I belived it would help the family (mostly me) to move forward with something positive.

 

What they don't tell you on the little cards is that organ donation is very complex and takes a long time. By choosing to donate I extended our agony by another 18hr. Chosing to donate may be the charitable thing to do but it is not the easiest option, it is hell with no more than a chance of a glimmer of light.

 

Becasue of the complexities of the donation process and her condition and treatment only her kidneys, liver and pancreas were possible options. I belive recipients were found for her kidneys and liver; we'll get to hear more later if they were sucessful. Because she was petite it is more likely that her organs will go to a young person. Something that personally pleases me a lot.

 

The NHS medcs and nurses were exemplary without exception. And it made no difference that there were treating a hopeless case. They also treated us with hot tea and sympathy.

 

I did wish everyone would stop patting my shoulder and trying to get me to talk about it. I've no want to blub in a room full of strangers. I don't want to do it in front of my own family.

 

I have to phone her friends now and tell them; later I have to start the beurocracy of death and shortly after that find a way to tell a 5yr his Mummy is gone. The first is hard, the second easy and the third breaks me in two.

I also have to tell her school. She was a popular teacher and will be missed.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy or advice, I been awake for 48hr and this is actually a very selfish form of catharsis especially saying a few things I can't ever mention to the family.

Edited 26 January, 2016 by Aspman

[Dr Zoidberg]

Sorry to hear that. I'm sure people here will offer you any help as and when you need it.

[john999boy]

Tears to my eyes. So, so sorry for you.

[Huskoda]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I cannot imagine what it must be like. Do not in any way feel you have anything to apologise for.

[meb90]

I can't offer any advice, but I am saddened to hear your news. Very sorry to hear it. No apologies required.

[mikey vrs]

So sorry to hear this,thoughts go to you & your family. 

[softscoop]

Wow I can't even begin to imagine this sort of situation.

 

Thoughts are with you.

[GentleGiant]

Hello Aspman, that is terrible news.

 

There was a recent thread about bereavement and children, can someone look it up and post the link for you?

 

"Dont bottle up the grief" is all I can say; I have just been through all this pain with my sister - her husband died in an accident 2 weeks before Christmas, leaving her with a 6 month old baby who said "Dada" for the first time as they were lowering his coffin into the ground.

[R1DAVIE]

Can't even imagine what your going through at this time.....so, so sorry to hear your news and my thoughts are with you and your family at this sad time.

[Chris]

That is such sad news. My thoughts are with you and your family at this time.

[Sippo]

Man that is god damn awful news. Thoughts are with you.

 

Was she fit and healthy before. It sounds like it was very sudden.

[Scribbler]

I half wish I hadn't have read this as it genuinely upset me probably being the same age as your wife and also having small children its easy to feel you have a long time left still.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. If this does prove to be a cathartic method of dealing with your grief then I would say keep on with it and It might help although I would still suggest getting professional help if its available these things can be more manageable talking to people who understand it better.

[mdon]

Deepest condolences, Thoughts are with you and your son at this sad time.

[Phil-E]

That is very sad to hear. No words can make what you're going through any easier.

 

If sitting and typing it out helps then go for it. I know what you mean about it being easier somehow with a bunch of "strangers". It's obviously hard to do that with close family but you felt you needed to share it with someone.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Phil

[Aspman]

Thanks for the sentiments.

 

Just completed a hard round of phone calls.

 

Shower next then I need to phone the undertaker.

[Ally_bassman]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I am genuinely upset by what I have just read.

 

No apologies needed, please use this thread to 'vent' all you need.

 

p.s Organ donation was a brilliant thing to do.

Edited 26 January, 2016 by Ally_bassman

[Coops]

Can't even begin to imagine what you and your son are going through. I'm going through a bad patch but nothing like this, puts everything in perspective.

 

Our thoughts are with you all.

[mac11irl]

Aspman, that is just so saddening, i know i know this post is going to bring no relief or real help to you as you grieve and try to get through the next few days, weeks and months..

But just be aware everyone here, anonymous stranger or not, is thinking of you and your son today and will be more than willing to listen/read anything you need to say :(

[Ootohere]

So so sorry. I really am.  Ahhh speak sometime soon.

 

george

[VRS Mike]

so so sorry to read this, all the best to you and your family

[Robjon]

Very sad to hear, Aspman.

 

Thoughts are with you and your family.

[999pooch]

Very, very sad to hear your awful news.

You appear to be talking and dealing with the events in a logical manner. Grief is a strange emotion & expect your behaviour and feelings to change massively as the days and weeks go by.

I wish you and your family all the best in this difficult time and ahead.

Gary

[Aspman]

Again thanks.

 

In the house on my own right now bar the cats. Doing trivial things.

Washing her dirty clothes she'd left on the floor as usual and the clothes she went to hospital in. Don't really know why, feels wrong not to.

 

Can't find our wedding license but I think I've everything else. Keep finding photos in drawers which isn't helping.

 

Think if I stop being logical I'll crack. Haven't slept for 50hr now, still don't feel tired

 

Phoned some more friends and neighbours all very upset.

 

Started process at the undertakers. Trying to get the same vicar that married us, I think she'd like that. I'm not religious at all but she was and the family is.

The funeral is more for everyone else I think.

 

Need to try to get the cats in a cattery to save running back and forward.

Edited 26 January, 2016 by Aspman

[SuperbTWM]

Sorry to hear about your loss.

 

I can only imagine how horrible it must be to loose your wife, especially the mother to your young son.

 

I wish you all the best in this difficult time

[Ootohere]

Take care, thinking of you and your family.

 

Just ask, anything, anytime, i will help with anything if it helps you.

Edited 26 January, 2016 by GoneOffskiroottoot