Weddings/Marriage

[Dedders]

A bit of an odd one for a car forum but I thought I would ask for opinions.

My partner and I recently got engaged and are now thinking about when and how to get married. Neither of us are really interested in a big do and would hate all the attention that goes with a traditional type of wedding. Her parents eloped to get married and we thought that this would be a good idea as well. Her parents would be absolutely fine with this and even suggested it to us, however my parents are a different matter and my Mother has made it abundantly clear that she wants to be there and would be incredibly hurt if she wasn't.

I can see both sides and I'm not sure what the answer is, my partner is angry about my mothers reaction and can't see what the issue is.

Really what I am after is who has eloped and who had a traditional type of wedding and how they went

Thanks Dedders

[john999boy]

It's your day - not anyone else's so just worry about paying for it all!

[meb90]

Get your mother to pay for a 'normal' wedding then!

[BJM]

TBH if you and your partner can't sort this out and agree a compromise between yourselves, I worry about your long-term future together.

 

Nowadays marriage is no longer a legally required process to satisfy the tax man etc.

More than ever it is now a way of demonstrating to each other AND FRIENDS AND FAMILY your commitment.

So, why are you bothering to get married anyway?

 

If you are so diametrically opposed to how to mark it, why not just live together? And if you still can't agree, drop her, or you'll spend the rest of your time in conflict with each other.

[Breezy_Pete]

^ Think you may have misread the post. They agree with each other, it's just his mother that's complicating matters.

 

I'd say, ignore her and do what you two want. She'll get over it, eventually.

Edited 10 June, 2016 by Wino

[Tech1e]

My parents didn't come to my wedding lol

[Dedders]

To clarify we do agree and ultimately we will do what we want, my partner, her feelings and wishes will always come first over anybody else and I would do anything for her. .

It's more around how to deal with upset and hurt family I suppose.

[meb90]

I thought I’d add to my quick response earlier.

 

I personally can’t see the issue of you both eloping, you both are happy with the idea. The fact her parents are happy is a benefit in my eyes. I understand it is different strokes for different folks though, I wouldn’t elope.

 

Surely the most important thing for your mother is that you are happy? I assume you have explained to her why you are considering eloping and that you don’t want all the attention of a more conventional wedding. You could do a small ‘do’ but not go down the normal route of what a wedding should be. I don’t know what this could be though.

 

I’ve got a sort of similar problem myself, I have been with my girlfriend nearly 4 years, and so occasionally getting married comes up. However, my mother recently retrained as a registrar. So she has made it clear to my sister (slightly younger – I’ll be married first) and I that she would like to conduct the wedding ceremony. I personally am not convinced I like the idea, but I think that to say no would cause more trouble than it’d be worth.

 

So I get that it is a difficult decision, certainly more difficult than mine, but I’d think you have to do what is right for you. I’m sure your mother would forgive you in time.

 

PS I mentioned getting her to pay for the wedding, as I know someone who's Dad wanted some extra people at his wedding. The farther was told that if he wanted them there, he'd have to pay for them - he did!

Edited 10 June, 2016 by meb90

[Aspman]

Two choices

 

1) Decide to do what the pair of you want and **** everyone else!

2) Decide that it's important to placate your relatives who have expectations around what a wedding should be and build the day accordingly

 

I'm not suggesting one or the other but you will need to choose.

 

We actually went with the latter and the day was grand (if hard work and I wanted to murder many people in the lead up to it). It was important for SWMBOs parents that the wedding was relatively traditional, however they were paying for a big chunk of it and even then we did have to draw the line several times to much gnashing of teeth.

[swedishskoda]

Since you and your partner agree, elope! SWMBO and I quietly tiptoed to the Mayor's office, no friends or relatives, a clerk as witness...

At the same time I can understand your mother's feelings. Try to imagine yourself in her position, maybe 25 years from now. So make a try getting her to understand your feelings, while at the same time acknowledging hers - I guess that you're not eloping next week, so there will be time for her to recover from the shock. And try to create an opportunity for her to congratulate you in close connection with the wedding (a visit when returning home?).

And best wishes!

Edited 10 June, 2016 by swedishskoda

[KenONeill]

How about a "small wedding" with you two, and invite parents + any siblings and partners but no-one else?

[Mikek3111]

We are having the exact same issue. I think what we are settling for is a quiet and small registry office wedding with a meal for family and friends afterwards

[Dedders]

Thanks for all of the advice it's appreciated

[mac11irl]

Elope - then have a "close family & friends gathering" when ye get back

or, have just parents & siblings attend a ceremony and then have an extended invitation to a party after.. or bog the party and bring the few people ye would like away to a 5star weekend and do my 1st suggestion there. Look at the costing on it vs alternatives and theres not much difference.

we went the trad route and its a stupidly over priced day out for what it is and what its meant to be..

[Wardy]

It depends where you want to elope to I guess. If you're thinking another country/half-way around the world then I'd do that, as it's what you both want. Then probably have a party with friends and family on your return.

 

If by elope you want a more private and smaller wedding, I'd go with Ken's suggestion above and just invite immediate family to the wedding.

Edited 10 June, 2016 by Wardy

[LHVRS]

Its your day so do want you want. We had a smallish (60ish guests) traditional wedding with only family and very close friends because we wanted to, we wanted out parents there. I want to be at all my kids weddings and it would make me sad if I wasn't there but at the end of the day its up to them not me. 

[cheezemonkhai]

It's your day - not anyone else's so just worry about paying for it all!

 

That is why your g/f is ****ed at your mum.

Your mum could be hurt, but it's not her call.

 

Fly off to sandles for a 3 week honeymoon including free wedding?

If your family want to share they can come along too.

 

Frankly, I'd just do something up a registry office, with the family, bugger off up the pub for a meal and drinks, then fly off to some nice destination and ignore what everyone else thinks.

[Gwilo]

SWMBO and I had a relatively small do, 75 in total.

She made all the invitations and place settings.

I paid for all the catering.

We did involve my mother with organising the bouquet as she kicked up quite a stink with SWMBO's family and ours over her 'lack of involvement' which she constantly portrayed to all our friends as lack of respect.

SIGH.

 

even when we thought she was placated, she still tried to book us into the same hotel as her for our wedding night.  Weirdo.

And then she wore black to the wedding, complete with black hat and black veil, telling a close friend it was because she  was 'losing her son'.

She was the first person to leave the reception, around 8:30pm. 

 

Do what you two want.  It matters not what someone else thinks - if they're going to make a scene, once they've decided to, they will, no matter what you do.

If I could do it all again, I would seriously reconsider even inviting my mother. 

[Defenderben]

Do exactly what you want and then maybe have a very small celebration with some close friends and family?

[gadgetman]

How about a "small wedding" with you two, and invite parents + any siblings and partners but no-one else?

This.

Many people I know have had weddings parents and siblings only.

It's then your choice whether to continue this to the wedding meal and whether you want a gathering for friends.

You can spend as much or as little as you want on a wedding. Thanks to friends and family with contacts for flowers, car, photography, food even the venue. SWMBOs dress was made for her using a pattern and some really nice material from a local shop which was better than the off the peg dress she really liked (shop one was about £1000)

The whole day cost us around £2500 all in.

On the other hand sister used a wedding deal at a local hotel which was about £8000 plus all the other bits. Iirc she spent nearly £17k.

Id it the fuss or the money that's really the issue?

[ColinD]

Congratulations

 

 

We did it our way, small and at a place we liked. Immediate family only and two best men, one for me and the lovely better half Oddly none of the grandparents cared 

 

Happened to be one of the most southerly parts of the uk too, so accommodation/minibreak opportunity Bit of beach walking and photo op too. the important bit is doing what you both want. I reckon you got that sussed. Mother will get over it, or not, could always live stream it

 

Others I know have done the run away, or quirky ceremony, so unless you have 30+k spare

Edited 10 June, 2016 by ColinD
misread mother and mother in law...

[Gwilo]

This.

The whole day cost us around £2500 all in.

On the other hand sister used a wedding deal at a local hotel which was about £8000 plus all the other bits. Iirc she spent nearly £17k.

 

 

This mirrors our experience and cost.

we had a 4 Meat Roast, all you can eat carvery buffet, 4 dessert choices, cheese and biscuits, with the left over roast being used for sandwiches later - not that anyone had any room for it.

this included 2 bottles of decent wine on each table.

A very reasonable £36 a head, after including venue rental.

 

conversely, my sister had a set menu at a local hotel/restaurant , plated up, and we had to go to the local take away on our way home it was that poor.

And their DJ played awful pop music at an unbelievable volume - very chavvy really.  and over 5 times the price of ours.

Beware others offering to pay - he/she that pays the piper, calls the tune..... and may use it for years after as a stick to beat you both with.

Edited 10 June, 2016 by Gwilo

[Gwilo]

 

 

 

, could always live stream it

 

 

 

Briskoda Wedding Services, Col?  HD streaming for Freedom members..... :clap:

[TK699]

Me and the wife went off and got married on our own 6 years ago in Cuba.

Whilst the holiday was expensive the wedding ceremony, legal stuff, cake and horse and cart cost about £600.

We had been together for many years before hand and decided that we wanted to do it on our own.

As both our parents are divorced and she doesn't get on with her mom and a few other members of the family we decided that we didn't want to put up with people not getting on and moaning the beef is to rare etc..

We simply told the family and some very close friends when we got home, then had a big party where everyone else found out.

Yes there were a few people upset that they had missed the wedding, mainly my mom. But they soon got over it after a few minutes.

At the end of the day it's completely up to you. It's your decision so do what you feel is right for you.

Congratulations and good luck with your decision.

[VWD]

To clarify we do agree and ultimately we will do what we want, my partner, her feelings and wishes will always come first over anybody else and I would do anything for her. .

It's more around how to deal with upset and hurt family I suppose.

The decision is YOURS and yours only to decide on. Give out that part of the wedding vows, that talks about taking the other to you only ,FORSAKING ALL OTHERS ( and we  used forsaking the feelings of all others ) when someone started to interfere with our plans.